Baby, Mine

To my future children:

Hi! As I'm writing this you are nothing more than an idea, a fantastical dream I can't wait to come true. Of course, I'm 22-much too young to have children (remember this) but I still like thinking about you and I know I already love you.

You will come into this world untouched, knowing nothing of heartaches and disappointment. And how much I wish I could lock you away in the tallest tower, like in the fairy tales we will read countless times, and save you from ever having to learn the harsh realities you will encounter. But, I know doing that will deny you of the wonderful things in this world. And those wonderful things will trump the bad stuff every time.

I know I don't know you yet but I already know what a gorgeous young lady and a handsome young gentleman you are. I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at this point because as your mother it is my job to tell you this. But I want to do so much more than that, I want to make you believe this about yourself and in those around you. 

Much to my dismay you will enter a world obsessed with looks. A vain world people claim they want to change but then turn a blind eye when it really matters. And it is not just girls who have to meet this standard but boys as well. Girls are expected to look like dolls and boys are supposed to be star quarterbacks with movie star looks. 

I am not naive in thinking that I can block the images from you, it's just not possible. And I know you will have moments where you will cry because you do not like the image that you see reflecting back. Please know that during those moments I will hold you and allow you to cry, but only for a moment. Because I will take you, we will get dolled up in our favorite outfits, the things that we are most comfortable in, the things that make us feel the best-even if it's a pair of sweats. We will make lists of the things we love about ourselves, both inside and out, and the things that we dislike but must learn to accept, because our flaws do not define us, they are what make us unique.

You will know nothing of scales-except that they belong in doctors offices and not in homes. You will understand that your value is not placed on the number you see, or the size you wear. Your value, and who you are as a person, is based on the size of your heart and the way you treat others.

I also want to apologize in advance because I will be neurotic. I will be overbearing and I'm sure it will cause many problems but I do it out of love. I do it because I know what it's like to step on a scale or look in a mirror and hate what I see. To cry and vow that the next time I look in that mirror I will look like the doll I'm "supposed" to be. But I didn't have anyone to hold me, my parents-your grandparents, aren't great with emotion. They certainly mean well but it's just something that is hard for them.

So, lady and gentleman someday you will read this and I will share with you my experiences that lead me to be the "crazy" mother that I am. The mother who dreams of putting her little girls hair in bows and dressing her son in sweater vests, but would much rather have a tom-boy or a son who feels the most comfortable in dresses than kids that hurt themselves trying to reach an unattainable goal. All I ever ask is that you be kind and caring individuals but most importantly BE YOU. And walk away from anyone that tries to change that.

I love you already and I haven't even met you. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure you love yourself and to give you the strength to overcome whatever obstacle you may face.

Love you forever and always,

Mom 

PS- writing "mom" when I'm not yet one is a little strange.

A Deal with the Devil

"Please, just make skinny, and smart, and perfect, and happy, and everything to everybody. Please, I will do anything."

Not so long ago I made a deal to create the person I thought I was supposed to be: perfect. All I had to do was listen to that sweet and convincing voice telling me all of the rules and the ingredients of perfection. Of course, now I know that the voice was really a monster and the deal came with fineprint I never bothered to read. I traded my life and happiness for an idea-a faulty product that never appeared. 

It's so easy to get sucked in, after all the monster is a great salesman. And when you realize what exactly you've sold, basically your soul, it's too late. You're trapped bound by an imaginary contract you never should've signed. The good thing is that if you can sneak away for even a second and ask for help regardless if you get sucked in you have a better chance of getting out. But it's not easy, and it won't be for a very long time.

Right now, for the most part, I am in a really good place. Mostly with my anxiety and depression, I haven't felt this "free" from them in years and it feels amazing. Unfortunately I am not yet free of anorexia. But it's getting better, I stepped on the scale the other day and didn't die when the number flashed (106*) I felt good and happy with that number with almost no desire to go under. I can look in the mirror without wanting to crawl out of my skin, I can even look at pictures of myself that I've HATED and realize that I actually don't look too bad, or too big. Of course, I still don't see too thin in any of my old pictures, though there are some where I can look in my eyes and see how unhealthy I am.

All this is good, right? And you're probably wondering how I can still not consider myself free or close to free from anorexia. Well, all of that stuff is good and amazing the problem is that I've become terrified of food. And not because of calories or anything that I can exactly figure out. But it's causing me to restrict even more than I did before because even though I want to eat it scares me too much. Even my safe foods aren't safe and I can't fathom the idea of touching or tasting anything. It makes me sad and scared that I have developed this fear, but it's not a depression sad, more of a disappointed one. And I'm scared because I do really want to eat but it's so hard, but it's not the same anxious feelings I've had my entire life. So I'm still sad and scared but in less severe/life ruining ways. This is good, that means there's hope.

This scares me because if I don't figure this out soon I will end up in the hospital and I'm feeling so close to better than I've been in years and a phobia is blocking my progress. 

If you go back and read "Scary Statistics" you'll see motivation but after writing that post I relapsed pretty badly. Now it's different because I feel almost free of depression and anxiety and I didn't when I wrote that post. 

I'm not saying I'm cured, not by a long shot. I'm just saying this time I feel different than I did a month ago. Screw the deal I made with this stupid devil. I'm going to get out of it no matter what it takes. This devil changed me and that's got to stop.

Plus-Size

Most of you have heard about the controversy surrounding plus-sized model Robyn Lawley, strutting around in a bikini and being absolutely gorgeous, but also being a PLUS-sized model who wears a size 8. Of course the internet has decided that this is unacceptable and is bashing Cosmo (who originally posted the photo) and the fashion industry in general for their take on what is plus-sized.

Well, news flash, people of the internet-this isn't a new concept by any means. The fashion industry has labeled "8" as plus-sized for years.

And before you start hating on, me let me make it absolutely clear that I don't agree with the standard but it's the way it's been for as long as I can remember.

It isn't really that hard to pinpoint when exactly things changed, go back to the Marilyn Monroe era and you'll see what I mean. Marilyn was the epitome of sexiness and beauty and back then her look was the industry standard. Unfortunately that ended in the early 60s with her death.

Not long after her death a new model became the sensation, enter Lesly Hornby aka Twiggy. A pretty face on a young boys body, what could be better? Nothing. After that it was out with the old and in with the new. And now woman (and men) had an ideal, something to achieve.

With eating disorders running rampet in society it's no surprise that people want things to change. In fact, many magazines (I'm looking at you, Australian Vogue) have implemented rules on just how thin is "too thin" to be in their magazine. And sites are banning (or at least attempting to ban) pictures of skeletal women. And watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show in December, I didn't think those models looked sickly or were too thin, they looked fit. They weren't malnourished as far as I could tell. The VS models actually go through some intense workouts to get in shape (look them up on YouTube and see what I mean) not unlike the rigor of Crossfit-just different. (And I just said it was intense like Crossfit not actually anything like it so, Fitties, don't start bashing me)

This is not to say that if I saw Robyn walking down the street I would look at her and think she's fat or too big, because she isn't, she's beautiful as are women of all shapes and sizes. However, the people of the internet did get one thing right, we do need to change the standards and what people think looks good. Unfortunately, there are more people and more money spent on shoving this "Twiggy Ideal" down everybody's throats daily, than there are crusaders trying to change this perception. We need more people to help do away with labels and learn to accept people from size 00 on up. 

And until that happens Robyn will stay in the plus-sized category, whether you agree or not.

New Year, Old Habits

It's officially 2014. A brand new year, a fresh start. I started my first day laying in bed until 3 and ended the day at work. A nice balance to kick off the year. I also treated myself to sushi, because even though I didn't get out of bed until 3 I didn't want to begin 2014 by starving myself, and even though convincing myself to get food date going most of the day was hard, I refused to continue my bad habits. 

That's what I hope for this new year, to get rid of my old habits. No more starving myself or letting my anxiety/depression get to me. Along with a whole slew of other bad habits that I don't need a fresh start on. 

I am determined to make 2014 my year. I will be happy and healthy and begin to live my life exactly how I want and not how the monster says I should. 

So let's welcome this new year with healthy new habits and kicking the old ones.