Digging Deep

Years ago I fell down the rabbit hole. The one that led me to a hate filled world I found oddly comforting. I've spent time, energy, and money; I've sacrificed health and friendships keeping myself in a world nobody wanted to be a part of.

I tried over and over again to get myself out. Clawing my way back to the life I once had, to the voices and faces I had known before falling.

And I've come to realize this is the problem. I've been climbing backwards. Fighting to return to the places and people that were responsible for the fall to begin with. So I've changed course. I've gathered my pail and shovel and I've started to dig deep. Digging below the awful, terrifying world I'm currently in. And digging further away from the world in which I started.

I am learning that the digger I deep, the more I will lose. The terrifying, yet comfortable world has been my home away from home. Driving away all that was bad and scary in my life. But that's the problem, not everything was as bad and scary as I thought it was. This world used smoke and mirrors to turn my closest confidants into monsters. And in order to protect myself I ran them off.

Or, some just left. Tired of trying to convince me that they weren't the monsters. My mind was. Surprisingly, though. Some stayed. Some people didn't run for the hills no matter how hard I tried to get them to leave. And as I dig, I see that as wonderful as it was to have people not leave, some of the people that stayed were in fact, monsters of their own making. Ones that pretended to root for me while secretly hoping and praying that I would fail miserably.

That's hard. Knowing I will lose people that stuck by me. Even though I really and truly know their intentions were rarely, if ever, good. But as hard as it is knowing I will lose people, I hope that those who left will be waiting for me on the other side, arms wide open, welcoming me to my new home. One that is terrifying yet beautiful.

And as I dig and dig and dig I know that those who have truly stuck by my side will continue to do so. Shoveling when they can, trying to lessen the burden so I don't get too comfortable in this torture chamber. 

So no matter hard it gets I will continue to dig. And i know that people like, Julie, Shelby, Bill, Caitlin, Banana, and my sweet munchkins will all dig with me when I need their help the most.

Together they will help me dig deep into my new, happy life.

Small Stuff

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

We've all heard this phrase countless times. Have been lectured by nearly everyone on the planet about how the small things don't matter. It's the bigger picture that does.

This is incorrect. Life is all about the small stuff. And the small stuff is good and bad and ugly and beautiful and terrifying and comforting. Sometimes it can even be all of those things at once. 

And it's true, as you grow older you'll look back and all you will be able to see are those big, defining moments, at first. As you sit and reflect on one moment or another, thinking about how everything changed at this one pivotal point, for better or worse, you'll start to remember the smaller things that got you to those big things. Perhaps it was that one time you ran late. Or maybe you chose to deviate from your daily schedule. Whatever the reason every action changes which direction you go. 

And often it can change things for others as well. Because as much as we talk about not sweating the small stuff we also talk about how the smallest act can make the biggest difference. Even a simple smile at a stranger can alter everything. 

Sweating the small stuff gives you the power to change not only your future, but those around you as well. This is not to say you need to sit and ruminate on every misstep or failure. But sit there and think about those missteps and the good steps. Remember everything that got you to where you are, that shaped who you became. 

Because in the end sweating the small stuff is what shows you the big stuff.