Attention

"You're just doing this for attention"

That is the last thing this is.

If this were for attention I would be able to shut it off the second somebody told me what I needed to hear. People can tell me I'm too skinny until they're blue in the face and I won't believe them.

If this were for attention I wouldn't cry every time I think I've gained or every time I eat even one small bite. I wouldn't hide this from people I work with. I wouldn't eat in front of people at all, I would binge in secret.

If this were for attention I would post selfies on Facebook with captions like "I'm so fat, ugh" just looking for those comments, but I avoid drawing attention to the way I look because I honestly hate it and I am afraid others see the same flaws I do.

Maybe it's because of who I chose to reach out too? It was by chance that I chose who I did. I couldn't tell my parents or any family for that matter. I had just moved and didn't know many people and the person I had planned on telling was busy. I was so tired and I had to tell somebody what was going on and how I was feeling and the things I was doing.

This is not for attention from anyone. Not my parents because I know how to get their attention in more positive ways. And not anyone else because I feel like having anorexia makes me such a failure and this all started becuase I wanted to be perfect and not screw up.

I'm sorry if you think this is for attention but I promise it's not.

 

Progress Perhaps

(looking in mirror) "Wow! Maybe I am too skinny..." this was an actual thought I had today. Sure, it was fleeting, the damn monster came back and laughed and said, "no way!" But it was there, that thought that maybe my weightloss was getting extreme. I was wearing a shirt I had bought a month ago and I was swimming in it, it didn't look like it did when I first bought it. The more I think about that fleeting moment in the locker room after swim lessons the more I try to convince myself it was just a trick of the light. I am not too skinny, in fact I am not skinny enough. I wish the thoughts wouldn't go away, because those are the thoughts I need to have in order to get better. It's such a struggle though to keep thinking these thoughts with It shouting at me that my eyes are playing tricks or that people lie when they comment on my size.

As soon as that thought came it was gone, I grabbed a snack (4 pretzels) and ran some errands before work. I wanted so desperately to have more than 4 pretzels but I couldn't bring myself to reach into the bag. I had a hard enough time grabbing 4. All I could think about was how I needed to be skinnier, even though I had just looked in the mirror and was kind of horrified by how skeletal I had become. Of course, It had to point out my thighs, which are massive, and those shorts didn't really fit how they were supposed too.

I wish I knew how to make the thoughts that tell me to gain more stay. Or the good thoughts when I want to eat something, ANYTHING to overpower the thoughts telling me "only water". I don't know how to do it though, how do I make the positive voices louder than the negative ones? How do I win?

But perhaps that moment of panic when I looked in the mirror is progress. No matter how fleeting.

Words

 

I am so sensitive. My whole day can be made or broken by simple words, though one negative comment overpowers 1,000 good ones. The negative comments also stay with me a hell of a lot longer than the good ones. And those comments bring back other ones with it, and it's like a flood of every time I've messed up or done something I shouldn't have storming through my head.

 

It's always been like this, now it just affects me more. Especially comments about my body/food.

"You're going to get fat eating that"

"Do you know how many calories are in that?"

"WHOA! You ate that quickly"

"You're thin, not skinny"

Everyday these words replay in my head whenever I pick up any sort of food. The hardest part is that my family doesn't understand what I'm going through and worst of all they don't really believe me. So sometimes they make the comments. "You eat too much to have an eating disorder" "You just want attention"

Those words hurt the most. Your family is supposed to support you and sometimes I think "I'll show you" and it makes me feel so alone, at least when I'm at home.

 

I try so very hard to not mess up so I don't have these negative things said to me but I feel that the harder I try to be perfect the more everything just kind of falls apart and the more negative comments I get.

 

I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to let words get to me the way they do. I wish I could hold on to the positive words instead of the negative words. I just can't and I don't know if I will ever be able to do that.

 

I do know that I need to let words stop affecting me like this. After all words are just different combinations of the same 26 letters.

Cold As Stone

I spend a lot of time feeling very sad, then guilty for feeling sad, then lonely or angry, usually anything that's not happy. Don't get me wrong I'm not ALWAYS like this, I can feel happy and loved, especially when provided with enough distractions not to think about being sad or lonely or guilty or angry. But sometimes I think it would just be easier if I felt nothing at all. I mean, if I can't be happy I certainly don't want to be sad, so feeling nothing just seems like such a better choice.

My father's way of dealing with these feelings and thoughts is to tell me not to think or feel that way, thanks dad, that's really helpful. I wish it were that simple that I could just take these feelings and put them in a bubble and send it far away. Unfortunately it isn't that simple and I hate that. I get so many compliments on my smile at work and 9 times out of 10 it's forced. Well, until I get the compliments and then it's not forced.

But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did feel nothing. Would I be able to sing silly songs with my swimmers? Would I be able to play dress up with my munchkins? So maybe feeling nothing isn't the answer, but I have to feel something other then how I feel most of the time.

I worry though, that if I did feel nothing I would do ANYTHING to feel something.

Guilty

I am the queen of guilt. I make myself feel guilty for everything, even if it isn't my fault, here's a list:

If I eat (duh)
If I don't eat
If I drive 66 in a 65
If I'm too early somewhere
If I'm too late
If I get sick and can't work
If I work too much
If I work too little
If my therapist responds to my email too late at night (yeah, I know that's insane and she's a grown up and can do whatever she damn well pleases but I am me and take responsibility for that)

I am sure I could go on and on listing every single thing that makes me feel guilty, but we'd be here all day and I certainly don't have time for that. I'm also completely ridiculous with some of the things that make me feel guilty. I feel guilty over things I can't control (like when people choose to respond to emails or if I get sick) I just get upset and apologize and then feel guilty for being ridiculous...

I don't know why I make myself feel so guilty, as you can see some of these are impossible to win, eating vs. not eating, maybe it's the perfectionist in me. I need to make everybody happy even if that means I'm driving myself crazy to do it. I know that I need to take care of me but I'm really bad at that. I've been told I'm a good mommy to everyone but myself and I'm so caring and understanding with even the most obnoxious person but I'm too hard on myself. Of all of my idiosycrasies this is the one I wish I could change the most. Over-thinking and over-analyzing every last detail of EVERYTHING is so exhausting, even more exhausting than counting calories.

I would love to not feel guilty for enjoying myself or not enjoying myself. I would love to be able to relax and not worry about things. But like I said I'm the queen of guilt but maybe one day that will change.

Nights

 

I hate nights. They are the absolute WORST things EVER. There's no distractions, no munchkins to smile at you and make It go away (It is terrified of my munchkins and their parents). Nights are when I get ready for bed and find all sorts of new flaws, probably imaginary, but whatever.

 

When the nights come I really want to scream. Scream at the whispers to just leave me alone. Scream for somebody to come help me make it through the night. Unfortunately I have neighbors and I don't want them to think I'm being murdered. So I suffer. These are the times I wish that I had a mother who was able to be stable and could hold me. Or a father who didn't think that I'm perfectly happy and I don't have a problem. I know if things get bad I can run to the parents of my munchkins, the ones who tell me I'm their "best friend/sister/daughter all rolled into one." but they have their own children and their own lives and I cannot interrupt.

 

After I've changed and brushed my teeth and accounted for all of the flaws I hadn't seen before, I crawl deep under the covers (in my snuggly footie pajamas) and replay my entire day in my head, all of the stupid things I said and how I am sure I have managed to fuck up something. But I am able to sleep just as soon as I promise to try harder tomorrow.

 

I didn't know whispers could be so loud.

Thin. Thinner. Thinnest.



"Progress Pics"

Does it count as progress if it's not from hardwork and just starving myself? I feel like it's maybe cheating...but I still must be the skinniest, and even if you can see it. I can't.

I fully admit to being insane. In a good way (of course we all have a set day of the week where we change our nail polish color!) to the not so good (what do you mean "built like you") I know that I have irrational thoughts, especially when it comes to weight and food.

"My cousin who is built just like you..." NO. STOP. This doesn't work, she can't be built just like me, I must be the SKINNIEST! Turns out her cousin is 16. I got compared to a 16 year old and was mentally shouting at this person to just stop talking. Normal isn't? Not to mention I have the BMI of your average 10 year old, which puts me underweight and not SEVERLY underweight so that means I can lose more, doesn't it?

Sometimes I get in the car and panic because I want to be so skinny the airbag doesn't turn on. Which is beyond fucked up. If we got into an accident I would die and I certainly don't want that. But whatever weight that is would be goal.

I get so upset having an eating disorder and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to not care about food. But I also want to be skinner. Always skinnier. But maybe that's just the disordered part of my brain?

These thoughts are always about being the skinniest/most perfect and sometimes I will do anything to get it.

It: "So eating makes you unhappy?"
Me: "Yes it does."
It: "Well clearly you shouldn't do things that make you unhappy"
Me: "You are so right!"
It: "I know, just listen to me and you'll be the skinniest and most perfect person they've ever seen"

And then after a day or two I give up and eat and the thoughts start again. Thoughts that I really really need to fight.