You vs Me

I got asked the other day if I considered so-and-so fat because I can't wrap my head around the size of my body. I see it as huge and horrible but that doesn't mean I see those who are bigger than me as overweight/ugly/massive/huge/fat or however it is I feel about myself at the time. 

I am so good at finding the beauty in things other than myself and especially in other people but I can't see it when I look in the mirror. I'm jealous of almost everyone who can be healthy and happy with how they look while I'm slowly killing myself to be perfect.

I got asked once if I went shopping with this girl if I would be honest and tell her if she looked fat in something. She was joking of course but I was so scared, what if I messed up and said the wrong thing? What if she suddenly started hating what she saw as well? I know that one comment isn't going to automatically cause someone to start hating themselves. But what if it's the trigger? What if my one comment were to unravel a persons entire life. I couldn't live with that. And chances are I wouldn't even be able to see the flaws. 

I wish I could see myself the way I see those around me. Hating almost every aspect of yourself is exhausting and I just want it to stop. I just hope that I will not lose my ability to see beauty in things around me but gain the ability to see it in myself as well.

Eyes

"What do you weigh? Like 66lbs?"

"...like 55lbs soaking wet"

"It's because you have no body fat"

"You're SO tiny!"

"You look anorexic"

"Don't you know how thin you are?"

STOP IT! I wish I weighed 55 or 66. And I do have body fat can't you see it? I'm not tiny and definitely not skinny enough to look anorexic. No, I don't know how thin I am because I'm not thin.

Those are the thoughts that bounce in my head every time somebody comments on my weight/body. I've been told that I probably like what they tell me because that's why I'm doing this. That's so wrong. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people comment on how I look because I can't see it. I don't believe them and every opinion just brings more doubt and I just KNOW they are lying.

My eyes are broken. What I see and what everybody else sees are completely different things. And I'm in trouble because what my eyes and mind need to see is actually not OK. What I wish I looked like has sent my therapist into panic mode, she's begging me to gain even one pound and definitely not lose anymore. I know she's concerned and that she cares but when I look in the mirror or step on the scale I can't understand why. I could lose ten more pounds and it would be fine. 

This seems like a perfectly acceptable way for me to look. This is why I'm in trouble.

I know my thoughts need to change before I get sicker or something worse happens. But how do I fix my eyes? Glasses and LASIK aren't going to cut it. How do I not hate what I see every time I look in the mirror?

Magic Numbers

102. That's what my scale currently reads. A number that seems massive to me, but a number that seems too small to the people I love.

If you know me at all you know how much I hate math and anything involving numbers but here I am obsessed with numbers on scales and in food. And I can't help but wonder how somebody who has always avoided numbers could become so enthralled. 

I don't have a goal weight, I would like to be under 100 which is not good, I know this. Maybe I didn't pick one because I knew I wouldn't be happy when I got to 95, I would want 90 and the number would go lower as I reached each goal. I just want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Which I know comes from changing my mind not from changing the number on the scale.

But I've actually stopped counting calories for the most part. I automatically count calories in my head "so if this is 230 calories and I have half now it's 115..." But I no longer write them down. Which is actually a really good thing. And a little more progress.

I am still obsessed with numbers and counting and perfection but not writing them down (hopefully) is a step towards victory and I so desperately want it.

Choices

"What you choose to do..."

This is not a goddamn choice. I don't choose whether or not I eat, the monster does, I feel like a puppet. It tells me what to do and say and how to act. Of course sometimes I rebel and eat or talk about my problems but not often. I've never been rebellious, if I didn't listen I would get in trouble and getting in trouble isn't being perfect. It's like that with It as well. It is in charge and I must obey, those people who are telling me to eat and fight and get better are not my friends, they are bad people who want to get me in trouble and don't want me to be perfect. Yes, I know how insane that is, but It is very convincing, especially when I'm alone at night.

If this were a choice I could just turn it off. I could happily munch away on my favorite foods or not have a meltdown when somebody says that I'm dressed like a pumpkin (I was wearing orange). 

Unfortunately I can't outrun the monster. It is always with me "unlike your so called 'friends'" It whispers. It convinces me that everyone is just going to leave me, especially if I'm not perfect. It promises never to leave and will make me perfect so EVERYONE will stay and love me. 

I didn't choose this. It chose me.

Depression

I can be super honest and open about a lot of things; my eating disorder, anxiety, anxiety pills, how much I suck at math, shyness, and pretty much anything. But the hardest thing to admit is that I have depression (duh).

I feel like depression is the worst thing in the world you could have (it isn't) and my mom is depressed and I would do anything not to turn out like her, at least the not so good parts. I can remember sitting the doctors office getting put on anxiety meds, and her asking me if I felt depressed and me lying through my teeth and saying "nope. Not at all" looking back I think she realized I was lying and prescribed me Prozac to "keep the anxiety away" along with Ativan for full panic attacks.

Personally, I think I've been depressed for a very very long time and I didn't even know it. I've had these crazy feelings like I'm drowning and I just happened to stumble upon something that said that's exactly what depression feels like. That's when I knew, maybe two years ago but I've only recently admitted it and still have a hard time accepting it.

Though, I don't think you can really develop an eating disorder without having SOME form of depression, it seems like they go hand in hand.

I get worried that if I admit to depression people will think I'm crazy or suicidal or a self-harmer and I'm not I just get really sad some(most)times. 

Maybe admitting it to you, and some different medication will help me. 

Basically, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm drowning.

Just Believe

Let me start off by saying I totally support you believing in whatever it is you want. As long as you don't preach intolerance or hate we don't have a problem. I've babysat and taught swim lessons to people of every faith imaginable. I've attended communions and Baptisms. Bat'Mitzvahs and church productions. Even though I don't believe in the things that are being said I love going to these different things to support the ones I love.

I get told all the time that if I just believed it would help so much, as if believing in something or someone is going to magically cure me. And when I die if it is proven wrong what I have chosen not to believe in then I will gladly apologize to God or the gods. 

I think before I try and believe in something that may or may not exist I need to believe in myself and I am having a really hard time with that.

And I eat told a lot that I'm being prayed for. I love that so much even though it's not part of my personal beliefs I love that people care enough to take time out of their busy schedules to think of me. If you're one of those people thank you! And if, like me, that's not a belief of yours and you're just sending positive thoughts and vibes my way thank you as well. Know that I think of you and want the best for you.

Maybe, though when I learn to believe in myself I can learn to believe in something else.

Jayda Girl

 

This is Jayda. She's 9 going on 20-sometimes. I'm her babysitter but sometimes she takes care of me. I feel guilty that Jayda feels that she needs to worry and take care of me after all isn't that my job? She knows and understands so much for a 5th grader (ugh why do my munchkins keep getting older!) it's amazing.

I picked Jayda up from camp and she had not eaten lunch yet so we went out. I had eaten breakfast maybe 2 hours before (an actual breakfast!) so I wasn't very hungry but Jayda was concerned and instead of ordering her FAVORITE hamburger she ordered fish and chips (knowing I don't eat meat) for us to share. And how could I not eat after that? Of course It was screaming at me because I had already failed by eating a decent 200cal breakfast and now I was going to eat fried foods! But a fear of disappointing had contributed to this mess in the first place and I was not about to let myself disappoint Jayda. I ate, it wasn't easy between It telling me to stop and Jayda telling me to keep going I thought I was going a little crazy. But I did it, it wasn't a lot (Jayda: you ate one piece of fish and like, 3 fries! (It was more but whatever)) it was hard but I did it. For Jayda and all of my sweet munchkins and their parents who love me so much and want me to win and beat this. I will do it because I have them.