The Future

Everybody always tells me to "think of the future." And I do, sometimes. It's hard though when I'm so bogged down in the here and now.

I'm supposed to think of my future and that what I do to my body now will affect how I feel later. So when my mind is "cured" my body could still show signs of the monster that's currently in control. Not obvious ones but ones that crop up with every doctor administered test. "You have heart damage/kidney damage/bone loss..." Or my absolute biggest fear "I'm sorry, but because of what happened 10 years ago you can't have kids."

I know the consequences of this. I know that if I don't fight as hard as possible I won't be able to have everything I want and more. But thinking of those possibilities also makes the future seem terrifying and mean. Because as it stands for the moment I can't have kids. I'm 22 so it's not super scary at the moment but if I don't kill the monster before it kills me I could turn 32 and not have kids.

So while I do look to the future; recovery, graduation, "big girl" jobs, weddings, babies, and grand kids, I also need to focus on the present because if I don't deal with things that are happening NOW there won't be a future, or it just won't be the one I've always imagined.

So Loved

If I said it once I've said it a million times, I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION! I know how to get the affection I crave without resorting to drastic measures. I know how to make people happy without hurting myself. This is about control and my own idea of happiness. 

You know, I got asked a lot growing up if I was anorexic or had an eating disorder. And I denied it because I thought it was ridiculous, why would somebody starve themselves, let alone "tiny" me who people were already concerned about without needing to be? Thinking back it seems so silly because now I know why people starve themselves and it doesn't matter how small they are.

I don't need to feel anymore loved than I already do. I get so many texts/emails/phone calls from people telling me they love me or that I'm amazing. Obviously I'm not feeling neglected. 

I don't completely understand why this happened and I may never know, medical professionals can't even give a clear cut answer as to why people develop eating disorders.

I can tell you though, that I certainly didn't develop mine because I was unloved.

Scales

There was a point where I would quite literally weigh myself 50 times a day, stepping on and off the scale like I was partaking in some sort of step aerobics. It was comforting to see the number stay the same, or even better, go down. But then there was the panic when by chance the number was up. Sending me sometimes into tears of frustration and feelings of failure.

But on Wednesday my therapist gave me a challenge, to weigh myself once a day, I failed Thursday but only weighed in a handful of times and I did OK yesterday though I did step on and off it a few times but didn't weigh myself any other times after my morning step on, step off routine. But yesterday I also made myself a promise, a promise that I would try and go an entire day without weighing myself, after all my upcoming challenge will be to weigh myself only once a week (do you know how terrifying that sounds?!) Well I saw the scale sitting there, in its place next to the shelf that holds the ungodly amount of beauty products and hairbrushes and bows that I own. And it was so tempting to get on it, and I was panicking because I just knew the number was going to be MASSIVE after all I was feeling quite whale-ish. So I did what any "normal" person would do; I picked up the scale and told my dad he needed to hide it. And the best part was that he just took it. He didn't act like I was being dramatic or silly or anything like that. He simply said he would do it. Which made everything that much easier.

Of course I'm now laying here kind of freaking out because I don't know how much I weigh, though it must be close to 200lbs. But I'm also relieved because what if the number is no longer 101, what if my scale says 102? How would that affect me? I was already skating on thin ice with my low(ish) weight and I was so close to being put in the hospital. I got lucky though, my blood tests were normal. I want them to stay like that. And I sincerely hope that by hiding the scale and getting used to not having it around to mock me and tempt me will help. 

After all, scales only tell a small part of the story.

Over It

"I'm fucking over it."

All of it.

I want to crawl out of my skin. Out of the 101lbs of fat that clings to me and laughs when I stare in the mirror.

I want nothing to do with any of this anymore. I don't want the comments about how skinny I am or how much I eat. I want to be left alone. Completely alone.

I feel judged 99.9% of the time, by my parents if my room is too messy, if I work too much or too little, if I don't do this ONE thing they want. I'm judged by most of the adults in my life for being too thin and not setting a good example. This isn't something I chose, being a bad example is doing drugs and being a whore. I'm starving because I need to be more perfect and I'm trying to be a really good example in a very fucked up way. I'm judged because they think I want attention when in reality I just very much want to be left alone.

I can't be left alone. When I'm alone I get sad, very sad and I need hugs and soothing words. When I'm alone It gets louder and louder saying that nobody is here because I'm not perfect enough for anyone to care. So I guess I don't really want to be left alone, at least for very long.

This isn't easy though. Fighting through this. And at least for tonight, I'm over it. I just want to bury myself in bed and be alone. Unless someone wants to snuggle and play with my hair and just let me cry, that's OK, but I can't talk, not tonight.

Lost

I am a master at getting lost. Not only while driving or attempting to get anywhere I've never been, sometimes even in parking lots. But lately it's more than just being physically lost I feel like I've lost myself as well. I feel like It put me on auto-pilot and when it malfunctioned and I asked for help I was left in mid-air with It pulling me down further and my angels trying to pull me up.

That's why I get so mad that people think I'm choosing this, I would love to be able to turn this off. Because not only am I losing myself I am losing a lot of other things. I can't watch one of my favorite munchkins until I'm better. I can't concentrate in school. I can barely stand up without wanting to fall over some days. And not to mention that not eating makes it easier to get physically lost as well. Turning down the wrong street when you're going somewhere you've been a hundred times or going to the wrong gas station where you know they don't have the "right" coffee.

I'm trying so desperately to stop myself from falling any further and getting even more lost. But sometimes I have to stop because getting back on track is tough, especially when I have so many voices telling me a hundred ways to go.

Speak Up

It is no secret that I have a really hard time standing up for myself, saying when I'm uncomfortable in a situation. Sure, I can let loose and have fun it just takes me a lot longer to get there than most. The problem is that I care too much about the opinions of others and what they think of me is really important, at least in my mind. This is not the worst thing in the world, being mindful of those around you is a good thing, to a point. But for me it goes beyond what is acceptable and I get terrified and anxious of saying even one wrong thing.

My anxiety is not only geared towards the new people I meet but also those I've known for a very long time, especially adults, because after all I am a child and children are to be seen and not heard and they must always be respectable. OK, yes, at 22 I am an adult (legally) and I'm pretty damn responsible-I have been told since I was 18 that I act at least ten years older than I really am-but it doesn't matter if you're over the age of 30 you're much more of an adult than I am and I will respect you. This isn't all bad, I'm polite and respectable to everyone but there are certain times when it's not so good. For example, when I get high-fives for eating a rib (this is before I went on my whole "no meat" thing) I am afraid to speak up and say "whoa! That's not OK, I am a 22 year old that has an 'illness', not a 5 year old that won't eat her vegetables" yes, I know that people are recognizing what they see as a success, but for me it isn't like that, if I eat I see it as failing. And you high-fiving me makes It scream that it's just proof you don't want me to be happy. (Because that makes total sense)

My dad gets mad if I complain, he says that if I open myself up and let people know what's going on they are going to respond in the only way they know how. And let me make it clear that I know I have to accept how people respond but I need to be better at saying "hey, in the future could you do this instead of this" but I can't. I don't want them to get offended because I know they care and I don't want them to stop caring or get mad at me.

It's also hard because I'm not always treated like an adult, people hear stuff (that isn't even true) and they go straight to my dad (#smalltownprobz) instead of talking to me. They tell my dad out of respect and a family-like bond they've shared since childhood, but it's also the same people that tell me to "grow up" "be independent" "take responsibility for everything you do". How am I supposed to do any of that if I'm not given the chance?

I am trying so hard to learn to speak up for myself, or speak up at all, I really need to be better about making phone calls, and I'm trying really hard to do everything but it's not easy when those I love don't give me the chance to try.

I wish that I could keep being passive aggressive on Twitter and post vague Facebook statuses, and sometimes I do but I need to add in there that whole part where I find my voice and let me people know what I want, need, and feel. It's terrifying though, if I'm not completely agreeable it's impossible to practice conversations in my head because it's harder to predict what the other person is going to say. 

I will get there, just like I will defeat It, and be happy with how I look, and do everything I want to do, and more, in my life.

Like this: http://youtu.be/e9SeJIgWRPk

Baby Steps

It's 8:34 at night and I have consumed more than 500 calories, yes still less than 600 but that's so much better than the (maybe) 200 I have been consuming for a while now. I had planned my day to end with a total of 474 calories close enough to the 500 my therapist would like me to eat but still under that GIGANTIC number. Yes, this does mean I'm counting calories again but in a good way. I'm counting them as I try harder to reach the daily 500 goal (which will eventually be 800 then 1200 before you start saying that's not enough, baby steps!) but the good news is that I went over 474. I don't know how much over because I'm trying not to count those extras I didn't plan for which is driving me a little crazy but I have to get better. At 96lbs I'm nearly hospital weight and I would like to avoid that. Though I see my new doctor tomorrow and if she says hospitalization then I've agreed to go so I've been preparing myself for the worst.

I want today to be the day things change. I want this to be the start of more good days than bad. It's hard, very hard. But considering my calorie consumption was mostly caffeinated drinks before I ate real food I felt so crappy. I was jittery and weak, you can't eat just a slice of cheese (80 whole calories!) and consume, I don't even know how much caffeine, and feel OK. 

Though I'm going to keep fighting. It's hard especially with my doctor's appointment at 2:30 tomorrow because the messed up thing is that I want to weigh as little as possible. I had planned not to really eat anything this week, I'm kind of happy that those plans changed. I don't know why I feel the need to weigh nothing.  Maybe I'm afraid she won't believe I have a problem if I weigh THIS much or the fact that even now I feel like a "fake" anorexic. 

I know it doesn't seem like a ton of progress but it just takes baby steps.