Songs Like This

I have a habit of making playlists for every event in my life. Break ups and make ups. Different seasons. I've even got ones for my wedding and songs to share with my children. I've also got a recovery playlist. It's filled with songs that are either motivational or describe how I happen to be feeling. I will either skip every song or just put one on repeat for days.

My current mood is to shift between Into the Ocean by Blue October and Change by Taylor Swift. I will blast both of those songs repeatedly and sing them loudly (not very well I might add) as I'm driving along. Unless I've got munchkins then it's Chipmunk radio on Pandora. The loud sounds drown out negative thoughts and if I'm busy singing I'm not berating myself for whatever I've done wrong THIS time.

Into the Ocean is the most accurate representation of depression and relapse I've ever heard in a song. In the music video the guys even look depressed and at one point there are three creepy ballerinas dancing around whispering and it's like the voices of It and anxiety and depression. Go watch it and you'll see what I mean.

And what is a playlist without T-Swift? She dominates most of my playlists (not so much the wedding one) because her songs are interchangeable, at least in my mid. So when she's singing about the guy that fucked her over I can easily see that as being my eating disorder. And recovery is literally breaking up with the disorder. However, Change is different. It's not about a boy (shocker, I know) it's really motivational and a fabulous song to blast on your way home from another exhausting day.

Of course the playlist has some not so motivational and depressing songs that I listen to when things seem really hopeless. I know things are bad when I put When She Cries by Brit Nicole, Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne, and Courage by Superchick on repeat. Those are the songs I played over and over again this summer when things were unbearable. If I ever post a Facebook status with lyrics from those songs that's when you should really worry.

The best thing about music is that, even the rockiest/rappiest/metalish music can relax you depending on what you need to hear. And the right song can help make your day.

Despite the fact that I do have this playlist and those songs to help focus me I still feel like I'm losing it and I don't have a ton of faith that I will snap out of this before I wind up in the hospital. I don't want that at all and I'm trying but I'm just not sure right now.

So, I'm going to go blast my recovery songs and hope for the best.