Complications

Me: "ouch! I just got a paper cut"

People: "well, you need to eat more"

Alright, this is dramatized for effect. But lately it seems that every time I complain about anything I'm told that my problems could easily be solved if I would just eat. Yes, I have problems that could be solved if I would just eat more. Like maybe I wouldn't always be cold, tired, and cranky. Though, even pre-ED I was always cold, it just affects me more now.

The problem is that eating also creates problems. Internally, of course, but problems nonetheless. Any bit of food sets off this war of anger, shame, and guilt. And quite frankly, I would rather live with those physical problems than be up all night trying to get my brain to quiet down.

Sadly this isn't an option. Because physically I'll get worse and my nutrient deprived brain will convince me it's a sign of strength. And I'll weep with disordered joy.

I'm not even that sick physically, YET. I know I'm headed there. And the scary thing is, people are starting to notice. My managers are constantly asking me why I never get my free meal. Even the two guys are questioning me, and guys are usually somewhat clueless. 

But, sometimes the comments they make are worded in a way that makes my disorder shriek with delight, like yesterday.

My father and I had brunch at the sister restaurant of the one I work at. My GM is also the GM there. I ordered egg whites, tomato, and avocado. My GM was the one who brought the food to our table. She of course has noticed me not eating and constantly tells me to "put meat on those bones" but when she dropped off the plate her comment this time was "scrambled egg whites, tomatoes, and avocado. Do you just not eat? That must be how you stay so thin and pretty"

Ugh. 

Of course, It was whispering in my ear "see, thin DOES equal pretty" and It cackled along while I tried my hardest to even touch my food after that.

And I want to scream and yell at these people to stop talking. Stop talking about what I don't eat. Because what happens when I finally start to pull myself up and start eating again? Are the comments going to switch to "oh look! She does eat!"? And if I'm still struggling up the ladder will that cause yet another slip?

I've contemplated talking to my GM and the less clueless of the two assistant managers about why they don't and won't see me eat, for a while anyway. But that's where the disorder complicates things. My work and family are tied together this time. And I don't want to make things uncomfortable for my father who has meetings with the head chef weekly and I'm worried my managers would say something to my father out of concern. Though, I'm kind of surprised they haven't already.

The more I think about it, the more complicated it seems to get. And not only do eating disorders complicate the present there is also potential for them to complicate the future. But that is a story for another day.

Hugs

One year ago today I met Jamie and my life changed in ways I never could've imagined. And those ways were for the better.

I am a strong believer in fate and destiny. (And a multitude of mushy romantic stuff that has nothing to do with this post.) and I like to think from the day we are born the stars/Fates/whatever have already chosen those we are supposed to meet. But I also believe in free will. Meaning that our choices affect how/when/why we are going to meet these people. Because everyone that comes into our lives teaches us something whether it's good or bad. We are all students and we are all teachers.

As fate would have it I was lucky enough to meet Jamie. My warm/fun/kind therapist who has made a huge impact on my life. If you know me well, you know just how shy I am. For a little while, anyway. You know it's hard for me to open up until I really know and trust you. With Jamie though, the connection was instant. There are very few people I've been that comfortable with that quickly. I mean, sometimes I do get a little tongue-tied but I'm like that with people I've know for years :) 

But the thing with eating disorders is that they change your relationships and rarely for the better. But with Jamie, even as I was getting worse (the first time) our bond grew stronger. And every time I gave up on myself, and felt like everyone else did to, she was there to remind me that I'm not and never will be, alone. And for that I am truly grateful. Even now, as I'm falling harder and faster down that damn rabbit hole, she's fighting tooth and nail to get me to keep fighting. And her encouragement is what is keeping me from completely giving up.

We often joke about how we have "three differences" when it's really probably more like five ;) it's kind of crazy to think just how similar we really are. Of course, this bond makes us wish we had met under different circumstances. And since I believe I was always supposed to meet Jamie, I often wonder how we would've met had I not developed this problem. While I do wish our relationship was not the therapist-client kind, I am thankful she is the one supporting me. I can't imagine where I would be if it had been somebody else.

So, Jamie, this post is for you. My way of thanking you for all of the support you've given me over the past year. And no matter what happens or where my current path takes me. I will always cherish our time together and all that you have taught me. And one day when I FINALLY defeat this monster we will have the biggest celebration, because no matter where I may be currently, I know with your support I will get to the other side of this.

So, here's to a year of progress and changes. And many more (positive ones) to come.

HAPPY THERIP-AVERSARY!

*Hugs*

I Wish I May

OK, close your eyes and make a wish!

I've blown out so many candles over the years. With the voices echoing in the background to make a wish. That part never changes. The place and the people change. Whatever the candle is on is never the same. But the wishes. The wishes are different every single year.

When I was little I would probably wish for a special toy or to get to play longer with a friend. I'm pretty sure I would also wish for that particular day to never end. My wishes were the simple wishes of anyone under the age of 10. 

As I grew older the wishes changed. And I would close my eyes and imagine fame and fortune. Sometimes love and romance. Vain filled wishes of teenagers.

At some point the wishes changed again. Instead of wishing for love or ponies I started wishing for beauty. All I wanted was to be just a tad bit prettier. Maybe longer hair. 

But last year. Last year, when they told me to think of a wish they didn't know I already had the perfect one in mind. So as soon as the voices stopped singing I would extinguish the flames, my eyes shut tight, wishing to be skinnier. Weightless. The perfect size. 

I know I had wished for those things before my birthday last year. But last year just sticks out in my mind the most. 

But this year was different. I've celebrated with different people and blown out candles on top of mousse, cake, even a can of clam chowder. but now when I close my eyes all I can think about is how much I want to recover. It's all I wish for.

Maybe my wish will come true this year. 

I just know that every time I make a wish that voice in my head, the good one, will be whispering:

I wish I may. I wish I might. Have this wish, I wish tonight. I wish to recover.