Run For It

"RUN! Run as fast and as far away as you can. You just have to get out of here right now."

For once this is not the voice of It. This is the voice of my anxiety. Anxiety is telling me just to run from every thought and feeling I'm currently having. You, see, I started an outpatient program here. I love the program, It hates this place. But It is also completely confused, I'm eating and eating and eating. Which is bad, bad, bad. But I also keep losing weight. And It says this is awesome. I don't know where my true self is, except, that I'm just terrified. And Anxiety has the perfect solution: RUN.

However, It wants me to bolt too. It wants me out of there before I screw up even more. It is trying to convince me these people are not to be trusted and even though I know It is never right, I'm inclined to believe It this time around.

I was weighed a little over a week ago and tipped the scales at 108. (totally had a meltdown over that but whatever) I was weighed again on Friday and nearly crushed the scale at 106. (shhhh I'm not allowed to know) and I was weighed again today. Two days after my Friday weigh-in. I don't have today's weight, like I said, I'm not allowed to know. But SURPRISE I fucking LOST more weight. What.the.hell?!

Of course I wasn't told this until an Ensure was being handed off to me at snack time today. And in fact, I wasn't even told then. And right in that moment, is when everything stopped. I just shut down. I "porcupined" and that was it. I was done. Thankfully, one of my new therapists saw this exchange. She saw me shut down and she recognized the terror I was feeling.

After snack Julie checked in with me and I explained that I just didn't like the fact I couldn't adjust and accept what was going to be done, it all just happened soooo quickly. She spoke with Hannah (our dietetic intern) and asked her to speak with me about it. So I did. I told her that I knew why it was happening and she had JUST weighed me before we ate, so, there was no time to tell me I had lost weight and they would be adding an Ensure to my snack. But, that's the rational part of me. The part of me that knows these ladies care. That they would never just STUFF me full of food without at least talking to me about it first.

But...I have a few different irrational sides as well. And those were the sides that caused me to shut down and check out. Those were the sides that produced the anger I was feeling. It started screaming at me that these people can't be trusted. Because not only had I lost weight (around 4lbs) in less than a week but my vitals had changed drastically in only a few days. So drastically, that I'm currently on exercise restriction with threats that I'll be IP by FRIDAY if those don't at least pick up.

Inpatient. By FRIDAY. F-R-I-D-A-Y. But, the whole reason I'm doing this program is to AVOID fucking inpatient. And because I'm doing what I'm told and eating I'm losing weight. I'm losing weight because my metabolism is in overdrive. And it's in overdrive because I've starved myself for so long it's trying to repair all of my organs. But that's where all of the not-so-good parts come into play. That's where they tell me these people are purposely making me lose weight so they can ship me off. Like it's some sort of conspiracy to get rid of me. And what's even more irrational is that while It is whispering this in my ear, It's also whispering they're trying to make me fat by forcing me to eat, ALL THE TIME.

The paradox. They're making me eat to lose weight so they can ship me off. They're making me eat to gain weight and make me fat. Of course, my eating disorder doesn't let me think about how they're making me eat to get better. That they're making me eat to get rid of It. Because my eating disorder wants me to be better by Its own standards. The standards that say I'll only be skinny enough when I'm dead.

I know the irrationality of it all. I do. I'm not stupid. But I'm so angry and upset and scared that I can't see anything except for these untruths. These untruths that tell me to stay shut down. To keep everybody out. And most of all..

to just fucking run.

A Disorder Free Day

My hobbies include, weighing myself and counting calories.

No.

Not anymore.

Those are the hobbies of someone who is sick. But I'm not sick anymore. I'm better than I've ever been. So I have new hobbies. I have new ways of passing the time that don't revolve around food and what I'm eating (or not).

I read. I read all of the great books I used to read. And not all of those books have to do with eating disorders, for a long time those were the only books that could hold my attention. The books were well written, but surrounding yourself with books about the very thing you're trying to fight is probably not the most productive. 

I cook. OK so I started this hobby while entrenched in my disorder but I don't obsess quite as much about making my recipes "skinny" and focus more on making them HEALTHY. And sometimes I don't even go for that, sometimes I make good ol' fashioned chocolate chip cookies, because those are my favorite, god dammit!

Friends. Friends. Friends. I go out on a semi-regular basis. I'm not a party girl or anything, I doubt I ever will be- I'm  positive I skipped that phase. But I don't obsess for days beforehand about what I can eat in the days before, sometimes I can even be SPONTANEOUS about it and go out no matter what I've eaten that day. And there's no talk of my eating disorder because it's not something that my friends have to worry about anymore.

Family. I can see my family on a regular basis because I'm not scared of what I could possibly be fed. Except for meat, I still won't eat that. But that's more of a health thing than a disordered habit. 

I'm back in school. Finally. My disorder made it hard to focus. And hard to take the steps I needed to take to fix the mistakes I had made with regard to school. But I'm back and it's awesome.

Mostly, my hobbies are just me being free. Free to choose whatever I feel like doing that day. To choose and not have to worry about the monster that used to control me getting angry for not listening. 

Being free. That's my favorite hobby of all.

Obviously I'm not there yet. This post is basically my goal. A goal that I hope to achieve within the year. That's right a year. I want to be recovered before the start of 2015. Obviously I've got some work to do but I just know that I will have disorder free days.