Frozen

My wish came true. Kind of.

I wanted to be "cold as stone" to not have to feel any of the shitty things that I was feeling, even if that meant not feeling joy either. Yeah, I know that's totally fucked up thinking, but desperate times call for desperately insane ideas.

Much to my dismay I must've screwed up the wording because instead of turning off my feelings I just turned off my ability to show them. So that means I'm stuck feeling all of these crappy things and I can't even express them. And not only does this make me feel crazy it also makes my therapists a bit crazy. They want me to open up so badly and express how I'm feeling instead of constantly trying to hide it and remain so stoic.

And as much as I try not blame my parents for my problems, at least not all of them, I can blame my dad for this one. I can blame him because me showing any sort of bad emotion would just enrage him, especially crying. It's the one thing he can't stand more than anything. So I learned not to cry. And I learned to use those emotions I wasn't expressing to fill me instead of food.

But now I don't want that. I mean, I still don't want to be full of food, but I really don't want to be full of unexpressed emotions either. I want to be able to scream and cry and yell if that's what I'm feeling. But right now I just can't.

I came closer than I have been tonight. In group we did "family sculpting" where I positioned my therapists and fellow ED fighters in poses to resemble my family. And then I had to talk. I had to go to my "dad" "sister" "brother" and finally "mom" and say all of the things I haven't been able or allowed to say. 

Mom. That's what almost did it. Talking to her and getting out the things I needed to, almost broke down that wall. One of my therapists, Leslie, could see what was going on. At least in my eyes, my face remained passive. And she tried so hard to get me to just let it out. But I just couldn't I wanted it out as much as everybody else did but it wouldn't come. And I hate myself for not being able to cry. But I'm also proud of myself for not breaking down. And that's terrible.

So how do I do it? How do I let myself show everything I try so hard to conceal? How do I become unfrozen?

Killer Cardio

I'm on exercise restriction. That means no running, spinning, hiking, swimming. I'm not even allowed to walk long distances. My dietitian told me I could walk to Starbucks as long as it was under a mile and I did it in flip flops.

And that's the problem, I do all of the exercises I'm not supposed to be doing. I have found a new love for spin and do that 2 or 3 times a week. Or I go for 2ish mile runs. On top of the work schedule I have that already burns calories like crazy. And my recovering metabolism that's in overdrive.

I'm compensating for the food that's being forced down my throat with exercise. I can't starve anymore so it's off to the gym I go. And the worst part is that combined with the restricting i still do when I'm left on my own for too long, and the damage of eating so little for so long that's already present I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself and I can't stop.

But I have to. I have to get this under control because if I don't I'll end up in the hospital, or worse. I'm supposed to come up with ways to keep myself from doing those exercises but other than being physically restrained I have NO idea how to kick this habit. Especially, since I know if I didn't have such a crazy schedule I would workout even more than I am now.

Working out right now also screws with my vitals. And unstable vitals means back to PHP or even the hospital if it gets too bad. And I think about that every time I get in the car and head to spin or lace up my shoes for a quick run. But even these thoughts aren't enough to keep me from working out because It convinces me being thin is so much more important.

But I'm so scared of this newest addiction because I know this much cardio really could kill me.