Wolves

Just because you're not eating doesn't mean you aren't feeding something. Things like eating disorders, depression, and anxiety don't need calories to survive. They live and thrive off of the thoughts that make you not eat.

Julie talks a lot about the wolves. And she asks me constantly which wolf I'm feeding, more often than not I'm feeding the bad wolf. I fed the bad wolf by letting the anger I felt for being fed so much sugar in a short amount of time, just consume me. And I let it carry and fester and suck me in so much so, that I didn't eat for 42hrs. 

The seconds ticked by and as the anger, fear, and sadness grew bigger my appetite got smaller and smaller. And I paid dearly for feeding the wrong wolf. Because when I got so desperate and unable to control the wolf I ran to Marlena. And in order to make the wolf less scary that meant I had a lot of eating to do.

So that's what I've done today. I made up 42hrs worth of calories in 7hrs. And it's awful. It makes me want to start all over. But what does that accomplish? Nothing. Because if I have another moment like that the consequences could be much much worse. 

So somehow I must let those emotions out, the ones that feed the bad wolf. I have to learn how to feel those emotions instead of filling myself up with the emotions instead of food. From now on, I must feed the good wolf more than I feed the bad.