I know part of getting better is speaking up- speaking out about the things that hurt and even the things that can heal you. And people with eating disorders tend not to speak very much at all. Our voices are drowned out by the monster in control.
But there are those, like me, who have always been quiet. Who have never felt the need to say much, instead choosing to absorb the world around us and speak in different ways.
And that doesn't mean not talking. It just means I speak differently and I choose to speak in writing. Letting my voice be heard through the scratch of my pen or the click of a keyboard. It is easier for me to articulate through a medium that is not my vocal chords. And that's OK.
There are those who speak through paint and canvas. Or those who do open their mouths but let their words flow out in melodic poems.
But just because we aren't physically speaking doesn't mean we aren't talking. In fact, some of us are quite loud. You just have to listen a little differently to hear us.
This doesn't mean I don't need to practice speaking up. I do. I need to stand up for myself when people put me down. Or let them know "hey, hearing you talk about how much skinnier my sister is, doesn't really help. Stop it." And I do want to learn how to speak up for those things. And one of the ways I can start is by explaining all of this to Julie.
By explaining I will not ever be the type to say what exactly is on my mind right in the moment. I will explain that I need time to process and write it out. And she is more than welcome to read those things but don't ask me to speak when speaking isn't really a part of who I am.
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