A Purge to Stop the Gain

I was only successful once. And even that was more of a failure than anything else. It happened over a month ago at a party I hadn't eaten in 29 hours but had been plied with plenty of wine in a short amount of time. In addition the wine that never seemed to empty from my glass I was given food. Food I wanted desperately to avoid. My friends were adamant that I should eat, and after that long without food I couldn't stop. I ate half a burrito and some salad, feeling stuffed by my standards and the buzz from the alcohol certainly didn't help. So I stumbled into the bathroom and shoved my finger down my throat. And you know what came up? Just a few pieces of lettuce. That was all, and yet I felt a fleeting moment of triumph.

That was not the first but it was the last time I tried purging. In fact, I don't even really get the urges any longer. Because after that one time the guilt I felt was worse than any other I had felt before. 

You see, I had gone a few months without trying at that point. Before I even started therapy I had tried it a few times and had always been unsuccessful. And the problem wasn't so much the fact I had eaten it had more to do with if I ate and then happened to mess something up so I equated eating with screwing up and I just knew that getting everything out of me would fix all of the things I had done wrong. And not only could puking get rid of the food maybe it could get rid of my feelings too.

But I could never purge properly. And it upset me so much, because it was just another thing I couldn't do. Forget the fact that it was actually a good thing. In my totally fucked up state it felt like the perfect solution. Jamie has told me more than once she's happy it never worked because purging becomes an addiction and would be yet another thing to fight. 

Of course, for those that knew I was purging it made them not trust me. They trusted me more to feed myself than to be in a bathroom. I got very sick in August with a kidney stone, whether it was my genetics, a "side-effect" of anorexia, or a combination of both, we aren't really sure all I know is that at times I was in unbearable pain. But this was a different type of stone because it would stop and go and stop again. So I was kind of able to carry on with my normal routine. But one night at work it started bothering me and I needed to get home. But I got freaked out that the pain would get so bad I would drive off the road. So I asked to stay with a family I babysat for. But the pain was so bad it made me feel like puking. The mom got so upset thinking I was purging with her daughter across the hall. She told her aunt, who told her sister, who is best friends with my dad. And I was ambushed in family therapy by my dad who asked me why I was purging with a 9 year old in the house. I wasn't, but I'm not sure anyone but my therapist believed me. 

At that time I hadn't tried purging in over a month because I had cut the back of my throat shoving a straw as far back as it would go in yet another failed purging attempt. And until the party in early October I had given up trying to puke because of the pain and guilt.

And despite that one slip-up I haven't actually gotten any urges. The guilt I felt then was worse than any I had felt because I let myself and Jamie down. Nobody knows about the party except for Jamie and I. And now I'm telling you. 

I'm telling you because you need to know how far I've come, even if I still look "emaciated" in the pictures I post. I'm trying. But please understand that I will slip up and feel like sinking down again, and if that happens I need your support more than ever. I'm currently in a slump right now. Stuck between counted calories and recovery. But even if it seems like it I promise I'm still fighting.

 

Scarlet Letters

Hester Prynne had it easy compared to now. "A" for adultery. She bore her letter as proudly and unabashedly as she could given the situation. while pastor Adam Dimmesdale lives his life in secret shame. Afraid to admit the hand he played.

Sometimes I feel much like Adam, dealing with secrets I am too ashamed to share. I am tortured daily by inner-demons and guilt unable to come forward, afraid of the repercussions. 

On the other hand I'm terrified that all anyone sees are the scarlet letters embroidered in everything I wear. A for anorexia and another for anxiety. C for crazy. D for depression. L for liar. F for fat. I'm covered in these letters, I know  it's all anyone sees. I don't want them to know. 

But isn't the whole point of The Scarlet Letter is, it's better to bear your cross and admit to your sins and mistakes than to be tortured by them until the day you die? Well, yes. But people are more forgiving of adulterers than they are of those with mental health issues.

This is why so many live in secrecy and fear. Much like Adam, we are afraid of the consequences if we speak up. So we hide behind anonymous Twitter accounts or secret blogs, afraid of anyone unearthing our imperfections.

And like Adam, these secrets eat us from the inside out. Making things that much harder. When I'm being chastised for making a mistake or get concerned looks and questions about what's wrong, I want to scream and yell that my internal struggle makes it hard to do everything even though I'm trying my hardest. 

There has to be away to avoid guilt-induced illness, and subsequent death, and instead be unashamed, and like Hester, die peacefully after living the life we all deserve.

We have to get rid of these scarlet letters. And the stigma.

Just Like Glass

Trust too much and you're considered naive. Trust too little and you're heartless. Unfortunately I tend to fall in that naive category, or so I'm told. I must say that I've been fairly lucky in that I've only been truly burned by this trustworthiness once I'm warned that it could happen more if I don't keep my guard up.

Like everything else being told I trust "wrong" sends me into a panic. A panic because everyone whom I've trusted could turn out to be the last person I should've confided in. 

I like that I trust people and I don't think I'm stupid about it. Isn't it worse to trust no one? I don't go around sharing my struggles or telling my deepest secrets but if somebody asks me a question I answer it honestly hoping they'll understand why just this once I need them to keep it to themselves. 

However, once that trust is broken it will not come back. The person who burned me I still see and talk too but when I'm with her things are uncomfortable and feel broken. Our conversations are superficial and of little importance but because I love her and her family I'm trying to forgive her since I know she felt she was doing what was right.

As for everybody else, I will be more careful in who I trust but I won't stop giving people a chance to prove they can be loyal and I in turn will be the same. 

Trust is a lot like glass, fragile but sturdy, but if broken nearly impossible to fix.

The Unknown

I need a crystal ball or to be able to read the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup. Maybe visions in the form of dreams? Oh, does somebody have the number of a palm reader? All of these things would be lovely, simply to keep around or experience when I cannot handle not knowing what's coming next.

Knowing things is comforting. I can wrap myself up in reassurance with carefully planned days, every moment scheduled. The same goes for food, I don't keep track of calories but I know how many are in the foods I eat. Foods I cannot deviate from. 100 calories in plain oatmeal, 25 in flax milk, 80 in FiberOne cereal, 45 in my reduced calorie bread. I can eat other foods with those terrifying uncounted calories but I would prefer to just live off of these foods. I know them we've become friends. 

Sadly, plans go wrong. That's when I wish I could see the future, all the better to plan for it. An unexpected illness kept me almost bedridden for two days, forcing me to reschedule my carefully planned days, which sends me into panic mode, and even more panic when therapy could be canceled because of an illness I couldn't see coming.

As my therapist pointed out today there are some good unknowns, for example: I have these shorts that have always been somewhat big but as I got sicker they just got bigger until it got to the point where they would fall off as soon as I put them on (I liked that) but when I was getting better I put them on and it took some wiggling before they would fall off which made me panic and I got bad again. Then there's a picture I have from July,

back when I was being threatened constantly with hospitalization, and I like the way I look even though I was so sick then. And I want to pull out that outfit and take a picture and compare because I don't know how I look now. Not knowing how those shorts fit or how my legs look now compared to July drives me crazier than I already am. But my therapist and I did talk about something I do know. If I put on those shorts and they don't fall off or if I take that picture and see a difference, and not one I like, I will be triggered. We know that things like that trigger me and I will end up back at square one and I could hit rock bottom, which I've so far managed to avoid.

So right now it's a delicate balance, I can take comfort in the things I know. I know I am loved, I know I have foods to eat that won't make me fall apart, and perhaps, most importantly I know my triggers, so I can avoid them and hopefully work towards getting rid of. But for now I must hold on tight to what I do know and prepare myself for a future full of unknowns.

THANK YOU

It's Novemember already. The time of year when we really start to reflect on all of the things we are thankful for and all of those that make all of these wonderful things possible. So now I want to say thank you to everyone who make feel so special.

Dad-you're not reading this (I hope) but maybe someday you will. Things were hard in the beginning, and you had a hard time accepting that I was sick and needed more help than you could provide. But we've moved forward and both grown and you're learning how to help me in ways that I need. And I'm learning from you how to take charge and become more independent. 

My new friends-Beth, Linda, and Katie. All stepping up when they learned of my struggles promising support with whatever I may need and always there if I need to vent. They didn't turn and run when they found out and instead embraced my problems and me helping me more than I think they realize.

My new extended family- the Baird's, Monreal-Bugrova's, and the Rose's. when I moved I left a whole network of "adoptive" families behind and was scared I wouldn't be able to find that again but you guys have made everything that much easier and I know my "old" extended family would love you as much as I do, especially since you've done such a good job taking care of me.

My "old" extended family- Patterson's, Foster's, Snirving's, Stone's, Henderson's, Chatterson's, Gorman's, and Malinowski's (I hope I got everyone!) I grew up with you, I watched your children grow (some of them are high-schoolers/Tweens/teens now which so NOT cool!) you took me in and treated me as one of your own and you helped make my difficult situation bearable. I don't know how I could ever repay any of you for everything you've done for me over the years thank you doesn't really seem like enough. But for now it's all I have. Thank you!

Nan- my first introduction to you was when I was only a few minutes or so old. You were one of the few that was comfortable enough to hold me. From then on I became like a daughter to you and you became like a mother to me. Even though we were apart for years I know you never stopped thinking about me and we instantly reconnected. Now I live closer and while I still don't live as close as you or I would like seeing you isn't quite the task it used to be and I know you're only a phone call away, even if you're in the middle of taking Vivi to training.

Bill- I miss our Saturday therapy sessions at ACAC. And watching you get splashed by my little fish. Thank you for your continued support even through the distance. Your kindness means so much to me and I cannot wait for you to come next year. And I love all of the pictures/links you send me on a daily basis and your encouragement with everything I do.

Mom- we don't get to talk often, and I see you even less often, but thank you for the sweet phone calls and texts letting me know you're thinking about me and that you care. Even if I don't get a chance to respond just know that it always puts a smile on my face.

And last but not least...

Jamie- I am sure you had no idea what you were getting into that day I walked in for our first session, especially since I had taken so freaking long to call you in the first place! But you muddled through and got me talking, now I'm sure you wish you hadn't ;) I don't think I would've come this far this fast without your amazing support. And the fact that I am ALMOST comfortable talking to you on the phone is pretty big and just shows how amazing you are at your job. Though I certainly have no problems texting/emailing you. I know that with your help I will get through this with as few slip-ups as possible. And I will come out an even stronger person than before.

If you're not mentioned it's not because I am not thankful for you because I am. More than I think any of you will ever know. I love each and every one of you forever and always.