The Unknown

I need a crystal ball or to be able to read the tea leaves at the bottom of my cup. Maybe visions in the form of dreams? Oh, does somebody have the number of a palm reader? All of these things would be lovely, simply to keep around or experience when I cannot handle not knowing what's coming next.

Knowing things is comforting. I can wrap myself up in reassurance with carefully planned days, every moment scheduled. The same goes for food, I don't keep track of calories but I know how many are in the foods I eat. Foods I cannot deviate from. 100 calories in plain oatmeal, 25 in flax milk, 80 in FiberOne cereal, 45 in my reduced calorie bread. I can eat other foods with those terrifying uncounted calories but I would prefer to just live off of these foods. I know them we've become friends. 

Sadly, plans go wrong. That's when I wish I could see the future, all the better to plan for it. An unexpected illness kept me almost bedridden for two days, forcing me to reschedule my carefully planned days, which sends me into panic mode, and even more panic when therapy could be canceled because of an illness I couldn't see coming.

As my therapist pointed out today there are some good unknowns, for example: I have these shorts that have always been somewhat big but as I got sicker they just got bigger until it got to the point where they would fall off as soon as I put them on (I liked that) but when I was getting better I put them on and it took some wiggling before they would fall off which made me panic and I got bad again. Then there's a picture I have from July,

back when I was being threatened constantly with hospitalization, and I like the way I look even though I was so sick then. And I want to pull out that outfit and take a picture and compare because I don't know how I look now. Not knowing how those shorts fit or how my legs look now compared to July drives me crazier than I already am. But my therapist and I did talk about something I do know. If I put on those shorts and they don't fall off or if I take that picture and see a difference, and not one I like, I will be triggered. We know that things like that trigger me and I will end up back at square one and I could hit rock bottom, which I've so far managed to avoid.

So right now it's a delicate balance, I can take comfort in the things I know. I know I am loved, I know I have foods to eat that won't make me fall apart, and perhaps, most importantly I know my triggers, so I can avoid them and hopefully work towards getting rid of. But for now I must hold on tight to what I do know and prepare myself for a future full of unknowns.