Getting Better

What I think "getting better" means:

Getting fatter

Losing control

Imperfection

What "getting better" really means:

Healthy (doesn't mean fat)

Happy

Accepting of myself as is

Energy

Can taste again

I know what getting better gets me and all of the things I will lose if I fight against recovery. But the monster is very good at convincing me that I will lose it all, everything I have worked (starved) so hard for. 

But with recovery comes all sorts of unknowns. I don't want to be the "anorexic" or the "girl with the eating disorder" but what am I if I'm not that? As much as I hate those stupid fucking labels it's how we survive (or die) in this society. 

I know that getting better means that I get to figure out who I am, that I won't have those labels attached to me. I can get a new label, perhaps something good and happy. 

And if I get better what happens to the people I adore (Jamie)? If I'm better I don't get to see her anymore. Does she just vanish into thin air? Like we've never even met? How do I forget someone that has been a part of my life for nearly a year and will most likely be helping me for months to come? And what about the people online? The ones who have and are struggling do I move on and forget them as well?

Yeah, I know that's silly. I can't speak for the others but I know that I will never forget and do what it takes to stay in touch (thank you technology!) I know you don't forget those that help and support you. And I hope they don't forget me.

Rationalizing is easy. I'm a rational person until that monster gets in and convinces me that it knows better. But I must fight that voice and let the rational part of me win. It's so terrifying. But I know that getting better will be worth it.