Me Time

"You need to schedule 'you time'" That's what my new therapist, Julie said.

I beg to disagree. I don't need or deserve "me time". I get that time when I'm at treatment-time that should be spent working. So adding even more time to focus on myself just cements the idea that I'm lazy. It tells me that if I have time to take care of myself I'm not doing a very good job of taking care of others. Clearly, I'm not working enough or doing enough if I've got all of this extra time to spend on myself.

Lazy.
Useless.
Selfish.
Fat.

That's what I hear when I have free time. So I make sure not to have any, and it's easier to run myself into the ground than it is to sit back and have time to think about how much I've failed that day, and even my life.

I'm told all the time I'm a hard worker and super motivated but I can't believe them because I don't think it's enough. I waste 5hrs a night sleeping when there are so many better things I could be doing with that time. And here I am now, typing away at the computer during my scheduled me time when I know I could find something to clean or someone to take care of.

I do wish It would let me relax and just breathe for a moment. But it doesn't. Not really ever. The only time I'm given even a small repreve is when I'm working out, and that's only because I know I'll get the praise after. But I want to REALLY relax. I want to be able to sit and read a full book in a few hours like I used to do. I don't want relaxing to involve killing myself at spin class especially when I know I'm not supposed to be there anyway.

Sure, I could've skipped this hour like I should've. But then I would've felt guilty for breaking the rules. For ignoring the mark I had made in my calendar to do this. It's an evil catch-22, feel guilty for relaxing and knowing I would've felt guilty for disobeying Julie.

But I did it. I took time out of my day to do something I like, writing. And so far I've survived. So hopefully I won't always view "me time" as torture. And it won't make me feel, lazy/useless/selfish/fat.

Hello My Name Is...

Ana

Mia

Ed

No. Stop it. I've never understood the point in giving this a name. I've always referred to my disorder as "It" and even that seems too dignified for the hell I'm going through.

Eating disorders aren't friends/sisters/brothers/magical fairies. They are hell/nightmares/torture/fucking evil. 

I cringe whenever I hear anyone refer to their disorder as the "best friend they never had". I scream reading the Twitter handles "anasbitch22" or "miasbff13". 

In my opinion this only perpetuates the disorder. Giving it an identity makes its chokehold that much stronger. Making it that much harder to escape. I can't imagine the state I'd be in had I ever viewed this as anything other than an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship I was having with myself. Because I've wanted out since I realized what was going. 

In my program we refer to eating disorders as Ed. Yes, it makes it easier to shorthand what this is, but that doesn't mean I don't cringe whenever they ask me "what Ed is telling me now." 

Eating disorders are not their own entity. They don't have souls or personalities. But rather, they steal yours. They take your essence and change it from the inside-out. And these changes are not for the better. So why name something that changed you so drastically, so deeply, and forever?

Maybe people name these disorders as a way to distance themselves from this. Maybe it is easier to create a seperate existence from the torture. Maybe it is easier to pretend this is just a visitor, one who keeps extending their stay no matter how desperately you want them to leave. 

But, distancing yourself from this isn't any way to make it better. Distancing yourself doesn't make this any less scary. Distancing yourself will not make this any easier to fight. Instead accept it. Meet your disorder head on and fight. Fight tooth-and-nail to rid yourself of these thoughts and feelings. Fight because you cannot physically kill this without killing yourself.

But most of all, stop naming this. Stop naming all mental illnesses. Stop naming what can and will kill you. Ana is not your best friend. Ed is not your boyfriend. Don't give this the decency or dignity of a proper name. After all, it's not as if you met one day and were greeted with,

Hello, my name is...