I beg to disagree. I don't need or deserve "me time". I get that time when I'm at treatment-time that should be spent working. So adding even more time to focus on myself just cements the idea that I'm lazy. It tells me that if I have time to take care of myself I'm not doing a very good job of taking care of others. Clearly, I'm not working enough or doing enough if I've got all of this extra time to spend on myself.
Lazy.
Useless.
Selfish.
Fat.
That's what I hear when I have free time. So I make sure not to have any, and it's easier to run myself into the ground than it is to sit back and have time to think about how much I've failed that day, and even my life.
I'm told all the time I'm a hard worker and super motivated but I can't believe them because I don't think it's enough. I waste 5hrs a night sleeping when there are so many better things I could be doing with that time. And here I am now, typing away at the computer during my scheduled me time when I know I could find something to clean or someone to take care of.
I do wish It would let me relax and just breathe for a moment. But it doesn't. Not really ever. The only time I'm given even a small repreve is when I'm working out, and that's only because I know I'll get the praise after. But I want to REALLY relax. I want to be able to sit and read a full book in a few hours like I used to do. I don't want relaxing to involve killing myself at spin class especially when I know I'm not supposed to be there anyway.
Sure, I could've skipped this hour like I should've. But then I would've felt guilty for breaking the rules. For ignoring the mark I had made in my calendar to do this. It's an evil catch-22, feel guilty for relaxing and knowing I would've felt guilty for disobeying Julie.
But I did it. I took time out of my day to do something I like, writing. And so far I've survived. So hopefully I won't always view "me time" as torture. And it won't make me feel, lazy/useless/selfish/fat.
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