Hello My Name Is...

Ana

Mia

Ed

No. Stop it. I've never understood the point in giving this a name. I've always referred to my disorder as "It" and even that seems too dignified for the hell I'm going through.

Eating disorders aren't friends/sisters/brothers/magical fairies. They are hell/nightmares/torture/fucking evil. 

I cringe whenever I hear anyone refer to their disorder as the "best friend they never had". I scream reading the Twitter handles "anasbitch22" or "miasbff13". 

In my opinion this only perpetuates the disorder. Giving it an identity makes its chokehold that much stronger. Making it that much harder to escape. I can't imagine the state I'd be in had I ever viewed this as anything other than an abusive relationship. An abusive relationship I was having with myself. Because I've wanted out since I realized what was going. 

In my program we refer to eating disorders as Ed. Yes, it makes it easier to shorthand what this is, but that doesn't mean I don't cringe whenever they ask me "what Ed is telling me now." 

Eating disorders are not their own entity. They don't have souls or personalities. But rather, they steal yours. They take your essence and change it from the inside-out. And these changes are not for the better. So why name something that changed you so drastically, so deeply, and forever?

Maybe people name these disorders as a way to distance themselves from this. Maybe it is easier to create a seperate existence from the torture. Maybe it is easier to pretend this is just a visitor, one who keeps extending their stay no matter how desperately you want them to leave. 

But, distancing yourself from this isn't any way to make it better. Distancing yourself doesn't make this any less scary. Distancing yourself will not make this any easier to fight. Instead accept it. Meet your disorder head on and fight. Fight tooth-and-nail to rid yourself of these thoughts and feelings. Fight because you cannot physically kill this without killing yourself.

But most of all, stop naming this. Stop naming all mental illnesses. Stop naming what can and will kill you. Ana is not your best friend. Ed is not your boyfriend. Don't give this the decency or dignity of a proper name. After all, it's not as if you met one day and were greeted with,

Hello, my name is...