I used to laugh and have fun. I was as carefree as I could be. I mean, you know I value safety and control you just made the things I needed to control different. I used to twirl through life with candor and happiness. Then I met you. And you made me believe you could make me laugh and twirl more. You made me believe that if I stuck with you I would be happier than I've ever been. But you lied. You lied over and over again. Every single time I tried to leave you, to forget, you pulled me back promising me that I was close and to just stay a little longer.
How many times did I come back? Believing that this time things would be different. But they weren't. They were always the same. I was never happy, I'm still not. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder or clinging to the edge of a cliff just waiting for you to get me again. To pull and pull until I'm too exhausted to fight. I'm scared you will never leave me alone.
You know, I'm writing this on Valentine's Day. You know, "the day of love"? But I don't love you. I thought I did, sometimes I think I still do. But then I think about everything that's happened since you came into my life and I realize how much I really hate you. And how much I wish I could kill you. Not just for me but for everyone else you've tricked into thinking that you know everything. Everyone you've tricked into believing that your way is best.
I can't even begin to tell you the things you've stolen from me. I used to have friends, best friends to hang out with. But you took that. You made me believe that starving myself was better than friends. You made me believe that once I got skinny I would have an endless number of friends. But that was just another lie. I get to sit back and watch my once-friends have fun while I sit and try to escape from you.
Maybe, that was your plan. Because if you left me with no one I would have to come crawling back. Because I know you're always there, you will never leave. And I wish you would. I wish you would leave and my friends would come back.
I'm sure, right now you're smiling because you think this loneliness is going to make me come crawling back. But I refuse to let that happen. I am determined to fix this. To fix what you've broken and to take back what you stole. I'm exhausted and I'm sad and it feels impossible but if I let you sweet talk me back I don't know if I would ever fight again. Maybe this time I would let you kill me and I know nothing would make you happier.
So while I may feel sad and lonely and desperate for anyone, even you. I'm done. I'm over you. I'm not stupid, though you try to convince me that I am, I know you're there, behind me. You are biding your time and waiting for me to give up. Maybe you'll get tired of waiting and attack me from the shadows. but as tired as I am of fighting I am even more tired of you. And somehow I will find the strength to win.
Because I hate you.
*I've been doing a "recovery challenge" and day 14 is writing a letter to your disorder*
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