Fear Food

It does not make sense to be afraid of food. Unless, of course, it can kill you, then it's probably best to run from it.

The thing with eating disorders is that you develop a fear of foods you used to love. Foods you ate almost daily. For inexplicable reasons your heart now beats a thousand times a minute at the mere mention of these foods. So you begin to catagorize: safe and unsafe.

There is no rule for these lists and everyone's is completely different. My fear foods include:

French fries

Candy

Most chips

Milk

Non-soy yogurt

Most cereal

White bread

Chinese food (which used to be a favorite)

There is more but those are the biggest. I don't know why. It's not calories the thought of eating these just foods terrifies me. But in January I decided it was time to work on getting over those fears. So on a whim I decided to try our special grilled cheese at work. Goat cheese, cheddar cheese, tomato, arugula, and WHITE BREAD. 

It was amazing. And I actually didn't  feel bad for eating it. I wasn't overly full and it wasn't greasy like most grilled cheese. I did end up eating super safe and healthy foods later, but, one step at a time.

Surprisingly though, my biggest safe food is peanut butter. I've always liked peanut butter but when I got sick I couldn't live without it and it's now my favorite food.

My goal is to challenge myself to a fear food at least once a month. Today it was Chex. A favorite snack that I haven't eaten in ages. It was so scary and it sat in my car forever before I could convince myself to eat it. It was so so good. Obviously, I used to eat it all the time!

I know Chex is a lot different than a sandwich but I can't always eat big fears like that. I don't know how I feel right now. I'm in a slump at the moment so it's hard to be proud for conquering this.

But I will keep trying different foods. And maybe I will eat those foods more often once the fear is gone. 

As scary as this may be at least it's yummy.