Thinspiring

"Thinspo" and "thinspiration" terms used to describe the emaciated girls we can only hope to emulate. Like most people that suffer with eating disorders, or even just basic body image issues, I have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to what I could only dream of looking like. But unlike most my "Must Be" board is mostly words, words have a bigger impact on me.

Some of these words I have committed to memory and I repeat them to myself over and over in fits of obsession reminding myself to find control and hang on tight. These words can come from anything they could be direct quotes from books or longingly searched for on the internet all related to anorexia. "Goodbye food, hello thin". Or they are simply movie quotes that I have perverted to fit my sick idea of comfort and control "turn out your toes, remember who you are". 

I don't know why words are like this for me. I know I've written about them before and how much one comment can ruin my entire day. I just really like words, provided they are the ones that I need to hear. The problem is that I spend so much time hearing words and everything can be a trigger. A catchy song I used to like now sends me into fits of tapping while I repeat over and over "eat your salad, no dessert". Yes, tapping. I've always had sort of a nervous habit of tapping when I got anxious but now the words must match up to each tap. And there's the rational part of me that is screaming to change the song but I can't. Sometimes I will play it 3 or 4 times in a row just to get the tapping done.

Sometimes I hit the "thinspo lottery" and stumble across a picture of a seemingly perfect girl watermarked against a perfect thinspo quote. Obviously these are a double whammy, these are the pictures I set as my background for a day or so before coming to my senses and realizing it's not healthy or productive to have these images/words laying around.

My therapist hates that I have this board. Her and I both know it's an unhealthy thing to have but I'm not yet at that point where I can delete it. Luckily I have Jamie and my friend Katie who have both promised to be there for me when I'm ready whenever that may be. And knowing that I have support for something that will be such a daunting challenge is amazing. 

Until then I must figure out how to get my mind off of negative words that promote negative actions and feelings, I just wish I knew how.