Selfish Can Be Good

I made a new friend, one that I'm worried is heading down the same slippery road I'm already trying to navigate. It terrifies me because this is not something that's easy to escape from. During our many talks I've thought about how I wish I could take her pain away and just make it disappear forever. But then I also think about all of the other people that feel this way about themselves or that have any number of illnesses both mental and physical and it makes me sad.

I try to be as unselfish as possible. I try to give all I can and take very little. I would rather solve everyone else's problems before I even think about my own. But sometimes this makes me selfish because I would sacrifice my own health for others to have theirs. I would gladly take any sickness from everyone if it meant problems could be solved. I would happily live my life in pain if nobody else ever had to feel pain. But as thoughtful and unselfish as these thoughts are they are also somewhat selfish. They are selfish because my friends and family wouldn't want me to suffer. And if I'm suffering chances are that they are suffering as well. And so the cycle would begin again with them suffering because I am and me not wanting anyone to suffer.

I know that part of helping others is to also help yourself. I must recover before I can help others do the same. But that doesn't mean that I can't wish things were different. 

I don't know if these thoughts are bad or good but I do know that as selfish as they may be to my family being selfish, at least in this sense, is good.