Breakups, Breakdowns, and Breakthroughs

A few weeks ago I broke up with my scale. And today I broke up with MyFitnessPal, because the number doesn't matter. Or so I tell myself when It screams at me that numbers are EVERYTHING. Breaking up is hard to do. I spent a good 20 minutes looking for my scale before asking my dad where he hid it, turns out it's gone. He threw it away which was actually really relieving because now I know that I won't ever find it. Though I could always go buy a new one and believe me I've thought about it. It's been weird not logging my calories after every meal though so hopefully I can last awhile without re-downloading MFP. I mean I know there are 32 calories in the 20 grapes I consume or 52 in 10 goldfish. But I don't know how many are in the almonds I'm currently eating or that were in the rice/bean/veggie burrito (sans burrito) I had for lunch. Break ups are hard it doesn't matter if you're breaking up with a thing or a person, they're hard and they suck.

Despite these positive break ups I'm also teetering on the edge of a breakdown at any given moment. This isn't a 24 hour feeling, though it can take up a good portion of my day. sometimes I can ignore the thoughts that come along: "you're going to eat ALL of that" or "look at you, eating!" But sooner or later they catch up. And the thoughts that are a sign of a break down come creeping in "you could just purge" or "hey why don't you take all of those pretty pills!" Or my most frequent thought "wouldn't it be nice if my jaw was broken so I don't have to eat?" The feelings that come along with these thoughts are hard to deal with and if I'm at home I take a sleeping pill or three so I can go to bed and not deal with them. I want to cry and scream and throw things but I can't. Those are signs of a breakdown and having a breakdown means I'm weak and imperfect. And I won't have that.

But for every breakdown there is a breakthrough. When I think about purging I think about what happened last time that ultimately made me stop trying. When I think about pills I think about all of the people that would be so hurt if I swallowed them. Getting rid of the scale was a breakthrough and not buying a new one every time I head into the store is a breakthrough. I'm changing my negative thoughts into different ones, maybe not positive, but less destructive. Despite these breakthroughs I still have a lot more and one of the biggest ones is to be able to love myself no matter what I look like. I need to be able to look in the mirror and smile instead of just wanting to cry, and that is a breakthrough I am anxiously awaiting.