The Future

Everybody always tells me to "think of the future." And I do, sometimes. It's hard though when I'm so bogged down in the here and now.

I'm supposed to think of my future and that what I do to my body now will affect how I feel later. So when my mind is "cured" my body could still show signs of the monster that's currently in control. Not obvious ones but ones that crop up with every doctor administered test. "You have heart damage/kidney damage/bone loss..." Or my absolute biggest fear "I'm sorry, but because of what happened 10 years ago you can't have kids."

I know the consequences of this. I know that if I don't fight as hard as possible I won't be able to have everything I want and more. But thinking of those possibilities also makes the future seem terrifying and mean. Because as it stands for the moment I can't have kids. I'm 22 so it's not super scary at the moment but if I don't kill the monster before it kills me I could turn 32 and not have kids.

So while I do look to the future; recovery, graduation, "big girl" jobs, weddings, babies, and grand kids, I also need to focus on the present because if I don't deal with things that are happening NOW there won't be a future, or it just won't be the one I've always imagined.