It would be so easy to blame my parents for this. To blame them for how much I struggle every day. Unfortunately it isn't that simple. I didn't have a shitty childhood, I wasn't abused or neglected. My parents were there for me giving me just enough space to make my own mistakes but stepping in when needed. Not that there was ever much stepping in to be done, I've always avoided trouble at all costs for fear of not being perfect. The reality is that my perfectionism is to blame, the way my mind works is the problem. I need control and it's gotten to the point where I will do anything to get it; even if that means going for days without eating.
For those that know me and everything that's gone on the last few years you know that everything kind of went to hell. I don't need to repeat the sordid details of everything that happened there isn't really a need for that. I've always been fiercely dependant on my parents and those I love, looking for protection from the terrifying unknowns. But I'm working on becoming a more idependant person and doing things for myself even if they scare me. And no matter how much I want too and how much easier things would be if I could blame somebody for this, I can't because it's not about blame. This is about taking responsibilty, if I can't do that then I certainly won't get better.
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