The Diagnosis

Anorexia. That's my official diagnosis. Which seems utterly ridiculous to be honest, I eat (barely 500 calories a day). I don't over exercise (because my jobs burn crazy calories). And I still eat dessert (even though I hate myself for it).

Sometimes I feel like the worst anorexic in the world, I'm not even under 100lbs. (In case you're wondering I clock in at a whopping 104). I think it's the perfectionist side of me, this monster that demands I be the most perfect anorexic ever. What kind of fucked up thinking is that?

My therapist calls this my "food issues" because of the stigma that comes along with anorexia. It's less scary that way. And I'm terrified enough as it is. And being scared won't help me get better, even though I feel like I'm scared of everything.

I know people hide eating disorders and I did until I couldn't any longer. So now what helps is talking. I need to get out how I'm feeling and the jumbled up thoughts in my head. That's part of the reason I'm writing this. I also need people to shake me and tell me that what I think isn't true. And I have the best and most supporting people in my life and if I didn't have them my "anorexia" or "food issues" or whatever it is you choose to call this would be 10 times harder to beat. With your help I know I can get through this.