"You're stronger than you think"
When people tell me that I know they do it to be nice, they want to be supportive but it's not helpful. It makes me feel guilty because I can't see this strong person, I don't feel strong. Even when I ignore that monster telling me to not eat, because I know after I eat the monster just gets scarier. I feel weak when I don't eat because I know I should be able to fight those feelings that tell me I don't need food. Not eating also makes me physically weak, this monster is taking away things I love. I can't swim laps without feeling like I'm going to faint.
I had an inservice at work where they asked us to swim a 500 which is 20 laps. I swam competitvely for 14 years, that's something I had done countless times, something that should've been second nature at that point, but I had been listening to that monster even more lately and in the days leading up to the swim I had eaten, maybe 300 calories, and 200 of those calories had been eaten just before then because I knew I needed something, and at that point my choice seemed completely rational. It wasn't. I had to stop less than halfway through because I knew if I kept going I would faint. That was such a low point for many reasons, it was low because I was letting this monster control me. It was low because I didn't fight through it and finish, but what if I had kept going and fainted in the pool? What would've happened? The crazy thing was that I didn't eat after that, not for a while, even though that's where my problems started.
So, no, I don't feel strong, I don't think I'm anywhere close to it, but I'm fighting. Maybe not everyday like I should, but hopefully I'll get there soon.
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