Speak Up

It is no secret that I have a really hard time standing up for myself, saying when I'm uncomfortable in a situation. Sure, I can let loose and have fun it just takes me a lot longer to get there than most. The problem is that I care too much about the opinions of others and what they think of me is really important, at least in my mind. This is not the worst thing in the world, being mindful of those around you is a good thing, to a point. But for me it goes beyond what is acceptable and I get terrified and anxious of saying even one wrong thing.

My anxiety is not only geared towards the new people I meet but also those I've known for a very long time, especially adults, because after all I am a child and children are to be seen and not heard and they must always be respectable. OK, yes, at 22 I am an adult (legally) and I'm pretty damn responsible-I have been told since I was 18 that I act at least ten years older than I really am-but it doesn't matter if you're over the age of 30 you're much more of an adult than I am and I will respect you. This isn't all bad, I'm polite and respectable to everyone but there are certain times when it's not so good. For example, when I get high-fives for eating a rib (this is before I went on my whole "no meat" thing) I am afraid to speak up and say "whoa! That's not OK, I am a 22 year old that has an 'illness', not a 5 year old that won't eat her vegetables" yes, I know that people are recognizing what they see as a success, but for me it isn't like that, if I eat I see it as failing. And you high-fiving me makes It scream that it's just proof you don't want me to be happy. (Because that makes total sense)

My dad gets mad if I complain, he says that if I open myself up and let people know what's going on they are going to respond in the only way they know how. And let me make it clear that I know I have to accept how people respond but I need to be better at saying "hey, in the future could you do this instead of this" but I can't. I don't want them to get offended because I know they care and I don't want them to stop caring or get mad at me.

It's also hard because I'm not always treated like an adult, people hear stuff (that isn't even true) and they go straight to my dad (#smalltownprobz) instead of talking to me. They tell my dad out of respect and a family-like bond they've shared since childhood, but it's also the same people that tell me to "grow up" "be independent" "take responsibility for everything you do". How am I supposed to do any of that if I'm not given the chance?

I am trying so hard to learn to speak up for myself, or speak up at all, I really need to be better about making phone calls, and I'm trying really hard to do everything but it's not easy when those I love don't give me the chance to try.

I wish that I could keep being passive aggressive on Twitter and post vague Facebook statuses, and sometimes I do but I need to add in there that whole part where I find my voice and let me people know what I want, need, and feel. It's terrifying though, if I'm not completely agreeable it's impossible to practice conversations in my head because it's harder to predict what the other person is going to say. 

I will get there, just like I will defeat It, and be happy with how I look, and do everything I want to do, and more, in my life.

Like this: http://youtu.be/e9SeJIgWRPk

Baby Steps

It's 8:34 at night and I have consumed more than 500 calories, yes still less than 600 but that's so much better than the (maybe) 200 I have been consuming for a while now. I had planned my day to end with a total of 474 calories close enough to the 500 my therapist would like me to eat but still under that GIGANTIC number. Yes, this does mean I'm counting calories again but in a good way. I'm counting them as I try harder to reach the daily 500 goal (which will eventually be 800 then 1200 before you start saying that's not enough, baby steps!) but the good news is that I went over 474. I don't know how much over because I'm trying not to count those extras I didn't plan for which is driving me a little crazy but I have to get better. At 96lbs I'm nearly hospital weight and I would like to avoid that. Though I see my new doctor tomorrow and if she says hospitalization then I've agreed to go so I've been preparing myself for the worst.

I want today to be the day things change. I want this to be the start of more good days than bad. It's hard, very hard. But considering my calorie consumption was mostly caffeinated drinks before I ate real food I felt so crappy. I was jittery and weak, you can't eat just a slice of cheese (80 whole calories!) and consume, I don't even know how much caffeine, and feel OK. 

Though I'm going to keep fighting. It's hard especially with my doctor's appointment at 2:30 tomorrow because the messed up thing is that I want to weigh as little as possible. I had planned not to really eat anything this week, I'm kind of happy that those plans changed. I don't know why I feel the need to weigh nothing.  Maybe I'm afraid she won't believe I have a problem if I weigh THIS much or the fact that even now I feel like a "fake" anorexic. 

I know it doesn't seem like a ton of progress but it just takes baby steps.

You vs Me

I got asked the other day if I considered so-and-so fat because I can't wrap my head around the size of my body. I see it as huge and horrible but that doesn't mean I see those who are bigger than me as overweight/ugly/massive/huge/fat or however it is I feel about myself at the time. 

I am so good at finding the beauty in things other than myself and especially in other people but I can't see it when I look in the mirror. I'm jealous of almost everyone who can be healthy and happy with how they look while I'm slowly killing myself to be perfect.

I got asked once if I went shopping with this girl if I would be honest and tell her if she looked fat in something. She was joking of course but I was so scared, what if I messed up and said the wrong thing? What if she suddenly started hating what she saw as well? I know that one comment isn't going to automatically cause someone to start hating themselves. But what if it's the trigger? What if my one comment were to unravel a persons entire life. I couldn't live with that. And chances are I wouldn't even be able to see the flaws. 

I wish I could see myself the way I see those around me. Hating almost every aspect of yourself is exhausting and I just want it to stop. I just hope that I will not lose my ability to see beauty in things around me but gain the ability to see it in myself as well.

Eyes

"What do you weigh? Like 66lbs?"

"...like 55lbs soaking wet"

"It's because you have no body fat"

"You're SO tiny!"

"You look anorexic"

"Don't you know how thin you are?"

STOP IT! I wish I weighed 55 or 66. And I do have body fat can't you see it? I'm not tiny and definitely not skinny enough to look anorexic. No, I don't know how thin I am because I'm not thin.

Those are the thoughts that bounce in my head every time somebody comments on my weight/body. I've been told that I probably like what they tell me because that's why I'm doing this. That's so wrong. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people comment on how I look because I can't see it. I don't believe them and every opinion just brings more doubt and I just KNOW they are lying.

My eyes are broken. What I see and what everybody else sees are completely different things. And I'm in trouble because what my eyes and mind need to see is actually not OK. What I wish I looked like has sent my therapist into panic mode, she's begging me to gain even one pound and definitely not lose anymore. I know she's concerned and that she cares but when I look in the mirror or step on the scale I can't understand why. I could lose ten more pounds and it would be fine. 

This seems like a perfectly acceptable way for me to look. This is why I'm in trouble.

I know my thoughts need to change before I get sicker or something worse happens. But how do I fix my eyes? Glasses and LASIK aren't going to cut it. How do I not hate what I see every time I look in the mirror?

Magic Numbers

102. That's what my scale currently reads. A number that seems massive to me, but a number that seems too small to the people I love.

If you know me at all you know how much I hate math and anything involving numbers but here I am obsessed with numbers on scales and in food. And I can't help but wonder how somebody who has always avoided numbers could become so enthralled. 

I don't have a goal weight, I would like to be under 100 which is not good, I know this. Maybe I didn't pick one because I knew I wouldn't be happy when I got to 95, I would want 90 and the number would go lower as I reached each goal. I just want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. Which I know comes from changing my mind not from changing the number on the scale.

But I've actually stopped counting calories for the most part. I automatically count calories in my head "so if this is 230 calories and I have half now it's 115..." But I no longer write them down. Which is actually a really good thing. And a little more progress.

I am still obsessed with numbers and counting and perfection but not writing them down (hopefully) is a step towards victory and I so desperately want it.

Choices

"What you choose to do..."

This is not a goddamn choice. I don't choose whether or not I eat, the monster does, I feel like a puppet. It tells me what to do and say and how to act. Of course sometimes I rebel and eat or talk about my problems but not often. I've never been rebellious, if I didn't listen I would get in trouble and getting in trouble isn't being perfect. It's like that with It as well. It is in charge and I must obey, those people who are telling me to eat and fight and get better are not my friends, they are bad people who want to get me in trouble and don't want me to be perfect. Yes, I know how insane that is, but It is very convincing, especially when I'm alone at night.

If this were a choice I could just turn it off. I could happily munch away on my favorite foods or not have a meltdown when somebody says that I'm dressed like a pumpkin (I was wearing orange). 

Unfortunately I can't outrun the monster. It is always with me "unlike your so called 'friends'" It whispers. It convinces me that everyone is just going to leave me, especially if I'm not perfect. It promises never to leave and will make me perfect so EVERYONE will stay and love me. 

I didn't choose this. It chose me.

Depression

I can be super honest and open about a lot of things; my eating disorder, anxiety, anxiety pills, how much I suck at math, shyness, and pretty much anything. But the hardest thing to admit is that I have depression (duh).

I feel like depression is the worst thing in the world you could have (it isn't) and my mom is depressed and I would do anything not to turn out like her, at least the not so good parts. I can remember sitting the doctors office getting put on anxiety meds, and her asking me if I felt depressed and me lying through my teeth and saying "nope. Not at all" looking back I think she realized I was lying and prescribed me Prozac to "keep the anxiety away" along with Ativan for full panic attacks.

Personally, I think I've been depressed for a very very long time and I didn't even know it. I've had these crazy feelings like I'm drowning and I just happened to stumble upon something that said that's exactly what depression feels like. That's when I knew, maybe two years ago but I've only recently admitted it and still have a hard time accepting it.

Though, I don't think you can really develop an eating disorder without having SOME form of depression, it seems like they go hand in hand.

I get worried that if I admit to depression people will think I'm crazy or suicidal or a self-harmer and I'm not I just get really sad some(most)times. 

Maybe admitting it to you, and some different medication will help me. 

Basically, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm drowning.

Just Believe

Let me start off by saying I totally support you believing in whatever it is you want. As long as you don't preach intolerance or hate we don't have a problem. I've babysat and taught swim lessons to people of every faith imaginable. I've attended communions and Baptisms. Bat'Mitzvahs and church productions. Even though I don't believe in the things that are being said I love going to these different things to support the ones I love.

I get told all the time that if I just believed it would help so much, as if believing in something or someone is going to magically cure me. And when I die if it is proven wrong what I have chosen not to believe in then I will gladly apologize to God or the gods. 

I think before I try and believe in something that may or may not exist I need to believe in myself and I am having a really hard time with that.

And I eat told a lot that I'm being prayed for. I love that so much even though it's not part of my personal beliefs I love that people care enough to take time out of their busy schedules to think of me. If you're one of those people thank you! And if, like me, that's not a belief of yours and you're just sending positive thoughts and vibes my way thank you as well. Know that I think of you and want the best for you.

Maybe, though when I learn to believe in myself I can learn to believe in something else.

Jayda Girl

 

This is Jayda. She's 9 going on 20-sometimes. I'm her babysitter but sometimes she takes care of me. I feel guilty that Jayda feels that she needs to worry and take care of me after all isn't that my job? She knows and understands so much for a 5th grader (ugh why do my munchkins keep getting older!) it's amazing.

I picked Jayda up from camp and she had not eaten lunch yet so we went out. I had eaten breakfast maybe 2 hours before (an actual breakfast!) so I wasn't very hungry but Jayda was concerned and instead of ordering her FAVORITE hamburger she ordered fish and chips (knowing I don't eat meat) for us to share. And how could I not eat after that? Of course It was screaming at me because I had already failed by eating a decent 200cal breakfast and now I was going to eat fried foods! But a fear of disappointing had contributed to this mess in the first place and I was not about to let myself disappoint Jayda. I ate, it wasn't easy between It telling me to stop and Jayda telling me to keep going I thought I was going a little crazy. But I did it, it wasn't a lot (Jayda: you ate one piece of fish and like, 3 fries! (It was more but whatever)) it was hard but I did it. For Jayda and all of my sweet munchkins and their parents who love me so much and want me to win and beat this. I will do it because I have them.

Attention

"You're just doing this for attention"

That is the last thing this is.

If this were for attention I would be able to shut it off the second somebody told me what I needed to hear. People can tell me I'm too skinny until they're blue in the face and I won't believe them.

If this were for attention I wouldn't cry every time I think I've gained or every time I eat even one small bite. I wouldn't hide this from people I work with. I wouldn't eat in front of people at all, I would binge in secret.

If this were for attention I would post selfies on Facebook with captions like "I'm so fat, ugh" just looking for those comments, but I avoid drawing attention to the way I look because I honestly hate it and I am afraid others see the same flaws I do.

Maybe it's because of who I chose to reach out too? It was by chance that I chose who I did. I couldn't tell my parents or any family for that matter. I had just moved and didn't know many people and the person I had planned on telling was busy. I was so tired and I had to tell somebody what was going on and how I was feeling and the things I was doing.

This is not for attention from anyone. Not my parents because I know how to get their attention in more positive ways. And not anyone else because I feel like having anorexia makes me such a failure and this all started becuase I wanted to be perfect and not screw up.

I'm sorry if you think this is for attention but I promise it's not.

 

Progress Perhaps

(looking in mirror) "Wow! Maybe I am too skinny..." this was an actual thought I had today. Sure, it was fleeting, the damn monster came back and laughed and said, "no way!" But it was there, that thought that maybe my weightloss was getting extreme. I was wearing a shirt I had bought a month ago and I was swimming in it, it didn't look like it did when I first bought it. The more I think about that fleeting moment in the locker room after swim lessons the more I try to convince myself it was just a trick of the light. I am not too skinny, in fact I am not skinny enough. I wish the thoughts wouldn't go away, because those are the thoughts I need to have in order to get better. It's such a struggle though to keep thinking these thoughts with It shouting at me that my eyes are playing tricks or that people lie when they comment on my size.

As soon as that thought came it was gone, I grabbed a snack (4 pretzels) and ran some errands before work. I wanted so desperately to have more than 4 pretzels but I couldn't bring myself to reach into the bag. I had a hard enough time grabbing 4. All I could think about was how I needed to be skinnier, even though I had just looked in the mirror and was kind of horrified by how skeletal I had become. Of course, It had to point out my thighs, which are massive, and those shorts didn't really fit how they were supposed too.

I wish I knew how to make the thoughts that tell me to gain more stay. Or the good thoughts when I want to eat something, ANYTHING to overpower the thoughts telling me "only water". I don't know how to do it though, how do I make the positive voices louder than the negative ones? How do I win?

But perhaps that moment of panic when I looked in the mirror is progress. No matter how fleeting.

Words

 

I am so sensitive. My whole day can be made or broken by simple words, though one negative comment overpowers 1,000 good ones. The negative comments also stay with me a hell of a lot longer than the good ones. And those comments bring back other ones with it, and it's like a flood of every time I've messed up or done something I shouldn't have storming through my head.

 

It's always been like this, now it just affects me more. Especially comments about my body/food.

"You're going to get fat eating that"

"Do you know how many calories are in that?"

"WHOA! You ate that quickly"

"You're thin, not skinny"

Everyday these words replay in my head whenever I pick up any sort of food. The hardest part is that my family doesn't understand what I'm going through and worst of all they don't really believe me. So sometimes they make the comments. "You eat too much to have an eating disorder" "You just want attention"

Those words hurt the most. Your family is supposed to support you and sometimes I think "I'll show you" and it makes me feel so alone, at least when I'm at home.

 

I try so very hard to not mess up so I don't have these negative things said to me but I feel that the harder I try to be perfect the more everything just kind of falls apart and the more negative comments I get.

 

I don't know how to change this. I don't know how to let words get to me the way they do. I wish I could hold on to the positive words instead of the negative words. I just can't and I don't know if I will ever be able to do that.

 

I do know that I need to let words stop affecting me like this. After all words are just different combinations of the same 26 letters.

Cold As Stone

I spend a lot of time feeling very sad, then guilty for feeling sad, then lonely or angry, usually anything that's not happy. Don't get me wrong I'm not ALWAYS like this, I can feel happy and loved, especially when provided with enough distractions not to think about being sad or lonely or guilty or angry. But sometimes I think it would just be easier if I felt nothing at all. I mean, if I can't be happy I certainly don't want to be sad, so feeling nothing just seems like such a better choice.

My father's way of dealing with these feelings and thoughts is to tell me not to think or feel that way, thanks dad, that's really helpful. I wish it were that simple that I could just take these feelings and put them in a bubble and send it far away. Unfortunately it isn't that simple and I hate that. I get so many compliments on my smile at work and 9 times out of 10 it's forced. Well, until I get the compliments and then it's not forced.

But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did feel nothing. Would I be able to sing silly songs with my swimmers? Would I be able to play dress up with my munchkins? So maybe feeling nothing isn't the answer, but I have to feel something other then how I feel most of the time.

I worry though, that if I did feel nothing I would do ANYTHING to feel something.

Guilty

I am the queen of guilt. I make myself feel guilty for everything, even if it isn't my fault, here's a list:

If I eat (duh)
If I don't eat
If I drive 66 in a 65
If I'm too early somewhere
If I'm too late
If I get sick and can't work
If I work too much
If I work too little
If my therapist responds to my email too late at night (yeah, I know that's insane and she's a grown up and can do whatever she damn well pleases but I am me and take responsibility for that)

I am sure I could go on and on listing every single thing that makes me feel guilty, but we'd be here all day and I certainly don't have time for that. I'm also completely ridiculous with some of the things that make me feel guilty. I feel guilty over things I can't control (like when people choose to respond to emails or if I get sick) I just get upset and apologize and then feel guilty for being ridiculous...

I don't know why I make myself feel so guilty, as you can see some of these are impossible to win, eating vs. not eating, maybe it's the perfectionist in me. I need to make everybody happy even if that means I'm driving myself crazy to do it. I know that I need to take care of me but I'm really bad at that. I've been told I'm a good mommy to everyone but myself and I'm so caring and understanding with even the most obnoxious person but I'm too hard on myself. Of all of my idiosycrasies this is the one I wish I could change the most. Over-thinking and over-analyzing every last detail of EVERYTHING is so exhausting, even more exhausting than counting calories.

I would love to not feel guilty for enjoying myself or not enjoying myself. I would love to be able to relax and not worry about things. But like I said I'm the queen of guilt but maybe one day that will change.

Nights

 

I hate nights. They are the absolute WORST things EVER. There's no distractions, no munchkins to smile at you and make It go away (It is terrified of my munchkins and their parents). Nights are when I get ready for bed and find all sorts of new flaws, probably imaginary, but whatever.

 

When the nights come I really want to scream. Scream at the whispers to just leave me alone. Scream for somebody to come help me make it through the night. Unfortunately I have neighbors and I don't want them to think I'm being murdered. So I suffer. These are the times I wish that I had a mother who was able to be stable and could hold me. Or a father who didn't think that I'm perfectly happy and I don't have a problem. I know if things get bad I can run to the parents of my munchkins, the ones who tell me I'm their "best friend/sister/daughter all rolled into one." but they have their own children and their own lives and I cannot interrupt.

 

After I've changed and brushed my teeth and accounted for all of the flaws I hadn't seen before, I crawl deep under the covers (in my snuggly footie pajamas) and replay my entire day in my head, all of the stupid things I said and how I am sure I have managed to fuck up something. But I am able to sleep just as soon as I promise to try harder tomorrow.

 

I didn't know whispers could be so loud.

Thin. Thinner. Thinnest.



"Progress Pics"

Does it count as progress if it's not from hardwork and just starving myself? I feel like it's maybe cheating...but I still must be the skinniest, and even if you can see it. I can't.

I fully admit to being insane. In a good way (of course we all have a set day of the week where we change our nail polish color!) to the not so good (what do you mean "built like you") I know that I have irrational thoughts, especially when it comes to weight and food.

"My cousin who is built just like you..." NO. STOP. This doesn't work, she can't be built just like me, I must be the SKINNIEST! Turns out her cousin is 16. I got compared to a 16 year old and was mentally shouting at this person to just stop talking. Normal isn't? Not to mention I have the BMI of your average 10 year old, which puts me underweight and not SEVERLY underweight so that means I can lose more, doesn't it?

Sometimes I get in the car and panic because I want to be so skinny the airbag doesn't turn on. Which is beyond fucked up. If we got into an accident I would die and I certainly don't want that. But whatever weight that is would be goal.

I get so upset having an eating disorder and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to not care about food. But I also want to be skinner. Always skinnier. But maybe that's just the disordered part of my brain?

These thoughts are always about being the skinniest/most perfect and sometimes I will do anything to get it.

It: "So eating makes you unhappy?"
Me: "Yes it does."
It: "Well clearly you shouldn't do things that make you unhappy"
Me: "You are so right!"
It: "I know, just listen to me and you'll be the skinniest and most perfect person they've ever seen"

And then after a day or two I give up and eat and the thoughts start again. Thoughts that I really really need to fight.