Thin. Thinner. Thinnest.



"Progress Pics"

Does it count as progress if it's not from hardwork and just starving myself? I feel like it's maybe cheating...but I still must be the skinniest, and even if you can see it. I can't.

I fully admit to being insane. In a good way (of course we all have a set day of the week where we change our nail polish color!) to the not so good (what do you mean "built like you") I know that I have irrational thoughts, especially when it comes to weight and food.

"My cousin who is built just like you..." NO. STOP. This doesn't work, she can't be built just like me, I must be the SKINNIEST! Turns out her cousin is 16. I got compared to a 16 year old and was mentally shouting at this person to just stop talking. Normal isn't? Not to mention I have the BMI of your average 10 year old, which puts me underweight and not SEVERLY underweight so that means I can lose more, doesn't it?

Sometimes I get in the car and panic because I want to be so skinny the airbag doesn't turn on. Which is beyond fucked up. If we got into an accident I would die and I certainly don't want that. But whatever weight that is would be goal.

I get so upset having an eating disorder and I just want it to go away. I want to be able to not care about food. But I also want to be skinner. Always skinnier. But maybe that's just the disordered part of my brain?

These thoughts are always about being the skinniest/most perfect and sometimes I will do anything to get it.

It: "So eating makes you unhappy?"
Me: "Yes it does."
It: "Well clearly you shouldn't do things that make you unhappy"
Me: "You are so right!"
It: "I know, just listen to me and you'll be the skinniest and most perfect person they've ever seen"

And then after a day or two I give up and eat and the thoughts start again. Thoughts that I really really need to fight.