Baby Steps

It's 8:34 at night and I have consumed more than 500 calories, yes still less than 600 but that's so much better than the (maybe) 200 I have been consuming for a while now. I had planned my day to end with a total of 474 calories close enough to the 500 my therapist would like me to eat but still under that GIGANTIC number. Yes, this does mean I'm counting calories again but in a good way. I'm counting them as I try harder to reach the daily 500 goal (which will eventually be 800 then 1200 before you start saying that's not enough, baby steps!) but the good news is that I went over 474. I don't know how much over because I'm trying not to count those extras I didn't plan for which is driving me a little crazy but I have to get better. At 96lbs I'm nearly hospital weight and I would like to avoid that. Though I see my new doctor tomorrow and if she says hospitalization then I've agreed to go so I've been preparing myself for the worst.

I want today to be the day things change. I want this to be the start of more good days than bad. It's hard, very hard. But considering my calorie consumption was mostly caffeinated drinks before I ate real food I felt so crappy. I was jittery and weak, you can't eat just a slice of cheese (80 whole calories!) and consume, I don't even know how much caffeine, and feel OK. 

Though I'm going to keep fighting. It's hard especially with my doctor's appointment at 2:30 tomorrow because the messed up thing is that I want to weigh as little as possible. I had planned not to really eat anything this week, I'm kind of happy that those plans changed. I don't know why I feel the need to weigh nothing.  Maybe I'm afraid she won't believe I have a problem if I weigh THIS much or the fact that even now I feel like a "fake" anorexic. 

I know it doesn't seem like a ton of progress but it just takes baby steps.