Eyes

"What do you weigh? Like 66lbs?"

"...like 55lbs soaking wet"

"It's because you have no body fat"

"You're SO tiny!"

"You look anorexic"

"Don't you know how thin you are?"

STOP IT! I wish I weighed 55 or 66. And I do have body fat can't you see it? I'm not tiny and definitely not skinny enough to look anorexic. No, I don't know how thin I am because I'm not thin.

Those are the thoughts that bounce in my head every time somebody comments on my weight/body. I've been told that I probably like what they tell me because that's why I'm doing this. That's so wrong. It makes me extremely uncomfortable when people comment on how I look because I can't see it. I don't believe them and every opinion just brings more doubt and I just KNOW they are lying.

My eyes are broken. What I see and what everybody else sees are completely different things. And I'm in trouble because what my eyes and mind need to see is actually not OK. What I wish I looked like has sent my therapist into panic mode, she's begging me to gain even one pound and definitely not lose anymore. I know she's concerned and that she cares but when I look in the mirror or step on the scale I can't understand why. I could lose ten more pounds and it would be fine. 

This seems like a perfectly acceptable way for me to look. This is why I'm in trouble.

I know my thoughts need to change before I get sicker or something worse happens. But how do I fix my eyes? Glasses and LASIK aren't going to cut it. How do I not hate what I see every time I look in the mirror?