I got asked the other day if I considered so-and-so fat because I can't wrap my head around the size of my body. I see it as huge and horrible but that doesn't mean I see those who are bigger than me as overweight/ugly/massive/huge/fat or however it is I feel about myself at the time.
I am so good at finding the beauty in things other than myself and especially in other people but I can't see it when I look in the mirror. I'm jealous of almost everyone who can be healthy and happy with how they look while I'm slowly killing myself to be perfect.
I got asked once if I went shopping with this girl if I would be honest and tell her if she looked fat in something. She was joking of course but I was so scared, what if I messed up and said the wrong thing? What if she suddenly started hating what she saw as well? I know that one comment isn't going to automatically cause someone to start hating themselves. But what if it's the trigger? What if my one comment were to unravel a persons entire life. I couldn't live with that. And chances are I wouldn't even be able to see the flaws.
I wish I could see myself the way I see those around me. Hating almost every aspect of yourself is exhausting and I just want it to stop. I just hope that I will not lose my ability to see beauty in things around me but gain the ability to see it in myself as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment