Nights

 

I hate nights. They are the absolute WORST things EVER. There's no distractions, no munchkins to smile at you and make It go away (It is terrified of my munchkins and their parents). Nights are when I get ready for bed and find all sorts of new flaws, probably imaginary, but whatever.

 

When the nights come I really want to scream. Scream at the whispers to just leave me alone. Scream for somebody to come help me make it through the night. Unfortunately I have neighbors and I don't want them to think I'm being murdered. So I suffer. These are the times I wish that I had a mother who was able to be stable and could hold me. Or a father who didn't think that I'm perfectly happy and I don't have a problem. I know if things get bad I can run to the parents of my munchkins, the ones who tell me I'm their "best friend/sister/daughter all rolled into one." but they have their own children and their own lives and I cannot interrupt.

 

After I've changed and brushed my teeth and accounted for all of the flaws I hadn't seen before, I crawl deep under the covers (in my snuggly footie pajamas) and replay my entire day in my head, all of the stupid things I said and how I am sure I have managed to fuck up something. But I am able to sleep just as soon as I promise to try harder tomorrow.

 

I didn't know whispers could be so loud.