Saturday, August 3, 2013

Guilty


I am the queen of guilt. I make myself feel guilty for everything, even if it isn't my fault, here's a list:

If I eat (duh)
If I don't eat
If I drive 66 in a 65
If I'm too early somewhere
If I'm too late
If I get sick and can't work
If I work too much
If I work too little
If my therapist responds to my email too late at night (yeah, I know that's insane and she's a grown up and can do whatever she damn well pleases but I am me and take responsibility for that)

I am sure I could go on and on listing every single thing that makes me feel guilty, but we'd be here all day and I certainly don't have time for that. I'm also completely ridiculous with some of the things that make me feel guilty. I feel guilty over things I can't control (like when people choose to respond to emails or if I get sick) I just get upset and apologize and then feel guilty for being ridiculous...

I don't know why I make myself feel so guilty, as you can see some of these are impossible to win, eating vs. not eating, maybe it's the perfectionist in me. I need to make everybody happy even if that means I'm driving myself crazy to do it. I know that I need to take care of me but I'm really bad at that. I've been told I'm a good mommy to everyone but myself and I'm so caring and understanding with even the most obnoxious person but I'm too hard on myself. Of all of my idiosycrasies this is the one I wish I could change the most. Over-thinking and over-analyzing every last detail of EVERYTHING is so exhausting, even more exhausting than counting calories.

I would love to not feel guilty for enjoying myself or not enjoying myself. I would love to be able to relax and not worry about things. But like I said I'm the queen of guilt but maybe one day that will change.

No comments:

Post a Comment