Progress Perhaps

(looking in mirror) "Wow! Maybe I am too skinny..." this was an actual thought I had today. Sure, it was fleeting, the damn monster came back and laughed and said, "no way!" But it was there, that thought that maybe my weightloss was getting extreme. I was wearing a shirt I had bought a month ago and I was swimming in it, it didn't look like it did when I first bought it. The more I think about that fleeting moment in the locker room after swim lessons the more I try to convince myself it was just a trick of the light. I am not too skinny, in fact I am not skinny enough. I wish the thoughts wouldn't go away, because those are the thoughts I need to have in order to get better. It's such a struggle though to keep thinking these thoughts with It shouting at me that my eyes are playing tricks or that people lie when they comment on my size.

As soon as that thought came it was gone, I grabbed a snack (4 pretzels) and ran some errands before work. I wanted so desperately to have more than 4 pretzels but I couldn't bring myself to reach into the bag. I had a hard enough time grabbing 4. All I could think about was how I needed to be skinnier, even though I had just looked in the mirror and was kind of horrified by how skeletal I had become. Of course, It had to point out my thighs, which are massive, and those shorts didn't really fit how they were supposed too.

I wish I knew how to make the thoughts that tell me to gain more stay. Or the good thoughts when I want to eat something, ANYTHING to overpower the thoughts telling me "only water". I don't know how to do it though, how do I make the positive voices louder than the negative ones? How do I win?

But perhaps that moment of panic when I looked in the mirror is progress. No matter how fleeting.