Cold As Stone

I spend a lot of time feeling very sad, then guilty for feeling sad, then lonely or angry, usually anything that's not happy. Don't get me wrong I'm not ALWAYS like this, I can feel happy and loved, especially when provided with enough distractions not to think about being sad or lonely or guilty or angry. But sometimes I think it would just be easier if I felt nothing at all. I mean, if I can't be happy I certainly don't want to be sad, so feeling nothing just seems like such a better choice.

My father's way of dealing with these feelings and thoughts is to tell me not to think or feel that way, thanks dad, that's really helpful. I wish it were that simple that I could just take these feelings and put them in a bubble and send it far away. Unfortunately it isn't that simple and I hate that. I get so many compliments on my smile at work and 9 times out of 10 it's forced. Well, until I get the compliments and then it's not forced.

But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I did feel nothing. Would I be able to sing silly songs with my swimmers? Would I be able to play dress up with my munchkins? So maybe feeling nothing isn't the answer, but I have to feel something other then how I feel most of the time.

I worry though, that if I did feel nothing I would do ANYTHING to feel something.